K/S Hospital Scene bc Into Darkness was so K/S TASTIC

[done_in_3]

It was so sudden. He woke up with a flash, bright lights, soft sounds, a bed, he was alive?? But he'd died in the chamber...in engineering. Spock and he had exchanged that vulcan hand-thing whatever the hell it was. He'd died, he was dead. Was this heaven? Holy....

No. Bones was here nagging at him.

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. You've been out cold for two weeks."

He was so...taken aback. What had happened? He just remembered being in the locked chamber watching Spock shed tears, glimmering tears of anguish as he slowly died of radiation poisoning... his heart lurched at the memory. He didn't know the vulcan was even capable...

And then Spock was in the room, approaching him. Suddenly... everything else was forgotten. Hell even Bones was gone in his mind, though he could hear the doctor put in a "You know Uhura and I had something to do with it too."

"....Thanks, Spock... for saving my life..."
 

Comments

[spohkh]

[Spock watched Jim's memories... seeing his feelings swarm around him and consume him. To know that as soon as George had left that Jim was condemned to a prison that should have been his home.
But that place was never really a home.

It explained so much... that Jim was always searching, looking for something, or someone. To think that after all of this time, his mate was finally able to be more or less settled on the Enterprise... but that his home would always be with him. And Spock swore that he would be there for him...

...to provide him with a home that he would want to go to and know that he is welcomed and loved.]

[done_in_3]

_{[It isn't a place he enjoys. But he made the best of it, looking for a way out. At some point he gave up but he had what he wanted now and he wasn't going to let it go... he was searching for a very long time but he's home now... Go on, show him something, Spock... he's ready for anything.]}

[spohkh_kan]

[As a child, what could Spock do to ensure his place within a society that did not accept him? He would prove himself...

....even if it meant dying in the process.
Kahs-wan was a survival test that was left over from the days before logic. This ensured that when Vulcans came to a certain age, they would be tested on their strength and skills in the wilderness. The Vulcans who took this test were adolescents on the brink of adulthood. Spock was still a child.
Spock decided that this would be the test he would go on... five days in the Vulcan desert alone, with no supplies.

He left a note.

At the time this seemed like a wise decision, a way to show everyone that he was truly Vulcan, not some sort of freak with a human weakness.
What he didn't know was that his beloved pet I-Chaya had followed him. The only creature in existence that did not give him 'that look'... the one that implied that there was something wrong with him, either mentally or physically. He couldn't stand those stares. And I-Chaya? Didn't judge him....
...he loved I-Chaya.

In hindsight, the Le-Matya would have killed him if not for his beloved animal... but part of him wished he could have just died out there in the wilderness with him. Instead, he lived on... and passed the test.
He gained nothing, except his mother's tears, and his father's confusion.]

[done_in_3]

_{[Jim again knows that feeling. The animal that didn't judge you and listened when you talked. He knew that precious bond that could tide you over through the darkest of times... and Jim cheered Spock on]}

You're like vulcan Hercules!

_{[He was eagerly watching the images of the desert and his own thoughts of vulcan emerged. The one time he'd ever been on the planet... as it died... but he watched. He focused on the desert and the sentient plants. And the great beast Spock called a pet.]}

Damn I want a giant saber toothed BEAR. That thing's badass

_{[So badass that it destroyed that plant monster for Spock... in exchange for its life. Jim was stunned for a bit, then bitterly admits that he should have known. The world like to snuff out joy like that. How alone Spock must have been after that, having only lost something from a horrifying experience. It reminds him of Tarsus...]}

[spohkh]

[A small amount of amusement flowed through the bond.]

I assure you that I am no such thing... though I appreciate the sentiment.

And yes... Selhats are quite noble creatures. They are known for their extreme loyalty.

[The Vulcan considers the moments he had shared with his pet... and cherished each one.]

I believe it is your turn Ashaya.

[done_in_3]

_{[Jim wants to know more about the animal and listens in to Spock's moments... soaking in that feeling of love and adoration, that friendship only an animal can bestow...]}

Right right.... my turn.

The following years Jim behaved just enough to get along with Frank. The man started to joke with him but all his lines were repeated phrases and they weren't even very funny. They were stupid bits of humor and Jim honestly knew he was smarter than this man already... people who weren't smart became bullies instead, he figured. To make sure people don't notice how dumb they are and because they can't do anything else.

Still, Frank wasn't important. Frank was only someone he had to endure. And he did. For five long years he did and finally he was sent off elsewhere. Jim wanted to go to Tarsus. Alone. His school thought he was an excellent candidate academically and wished he'd be someone else's problem for a while. Frank was all for sending him to be exiled on another planet at least for a while, and his mother... well she took about two months' convincing but finally he was headed to this planet with relief in his heart and adventure on his mind. He could start fresh here, even if just for a little while.

When he got there it was everything he wished it would be. People were kind and welcoming, smart, pretty, the color were brighter he swore. The food tasted better. The air was cleaner. He was on his own adventure and there was no Frank and no anvil-mother to weigh him down. He met Kevin Riley in school there and they made a lasting friendship. He was in his house nearly every night. He had a dorm provided by the school but it was boring. He had great times with Kevin and better meals with his family. Jim felt for a time like he could imagine what a family was like... what his family might be like.

Then the food shortage started. Response teams were mentioned in the news as fighting the fungus with various treatments, all with valiant hope and all of the citizens' faith. No one really talked about it at first. It was handled. Until it wasn't. Then there were whispers between the adults and Jim felt only slightly nervous. These adults were different. They'd handle it, there was backup supplies already en route...

That confidence was a perfect backdrop to his experience with Kevin and his parents watching the news when Kodos' voice sounded over the scheduled programming, announcing the food shortage. Jim kept expecting it to be a joke. Even Kevin's parents didn't take it seriously at first. But officers made regular patrols after that. No one roamed freely after that. There were checkpoints all over the colony manned by guards inquiring one's destination, purpose, and estimated length of visit. Jim was advised to avoid various places including the domestic district that Kevin lived in. But as the food ran out, society began to decay very quickly... Jim learned a lot in a short amount of time.

Paranoia, greed, and self-preservation fueled everything from then on as if good will and generosity were only stage shows people put on to attract emigrants to this planet. Jim felt himself a stranger once more in a surreal world where neighbors quarreled over slices of bread and singular vegetables. Teachers abandoned their classes and finally there were the promised executions the voice on the tv has spoken of.

Slowly his classroom emptied. Children didn't show up or did so in tears claiming they'd been orphaned the night before. More and more of them crowded the school dormitory as parents and guardians on the list were taken away one by one. Officers came to each door nightly bringing packages. Some were food. Some were handcuffs and bags to take people away with, some were weapons. Everyone answered their doors in fear, or some not at all. The body count rose, the dorm was too crowded. He ran one night and darted to and fro to avoid detection from the patrol....

He remembers hearing Kevin's screams as he was taken away in the street in front of his house.

“JIM!! JIIIIIM!” he had tears running down his face. Two bodies were being tossed into the back of a van while Kevin was being carted off to the school dorm. Jim hid in a bush but was stunned as he watched Mr. and Mrs. Riley's bodies disappear into the vehicle. Kevin was struggling and only managed. “JIM JIM RUN!” he obeyed. He didn't know if he was tailed by any other guards but if he was... no one found him in the empty barn he found.

He hid in there for days... laying awake replaying Kevin's screams in his mind, remembering the 'thunk' noise as his parents hit the inside of the van. He wondered where Kevin was going... but he worried more about where HE'D go if he was found.

[spohkh]

[Spock watched the entire memory with pain in his heart for the scared boy who had no control and was losing people dear to him. No protection, no nothing as he ran.... with hope still in his heart.

The Vulcan shuddered at the thought of where this memory was going. The story that Jim had told him a few nights before. Could he stand seeing it with his own eyes? The terror, the hell that Jim experienced at the hand of Kodos? But this was Jim, his mate... he would consider every memory sacred. Didn't mean he had to like it thought... but he would do this.
Gently, the Vulcan kept encouraging the bond to grow... the stars lighting up the darkness of space, meeting the rays of the sun.

He encouraged Jim to continue.]

[done_in_3]

_{[Jim felt remorse for what was coming. Waves of regret came off him as he entered the next memory. He's so sorry Spock...]}

Jim remembered feeling tiny beneath Kodos the first time he'd fucked him. The man was average sized but to a boy of thirteen who'd lost too much weight from hunger already not only did Kodos appear a giant man but a hero. It had been rather peaceful the first time. Jim was vaguely aware of cardinal sin being committed but he'd been too busy satiating his famished body he wasn't inclined to care. It was his first lesson in survival and he learned eerily that humans were capable of quite a lot when they were seeking basic needs. 'Right' and 'Wrong' were relative terms that were optional to uphold while in a crisis.

He didn't know it was Kodos at that time. Just a red haired man who showed up out of nowhere and in all likelihood by mistake. Jim had been hiding in a deserted barn, its inhabitants having long been sacrificed for meat and its contents ransacked for anything remotely edible. The man showed up, satchel of food in hand which he laid out to lure the boy. Jim was a bit embarrassed with how eagerly he surfaced from his hiding place, the appearance of even a scrap of food was too much to resist. His aching belly had kept him from sleep and coherent thought for days. It was only the water in the troughs that kept him alert at all. Kodos was kind hearted, even funny once Jim got to talking for a while, he ate the food himself and when Jim looked at it glassy eyed he offered for the boy to sit next to him.

It was a strange escalation that at the time Jim found insipidly easy yet surreal. He felt as though he couldn't be earning the pieces of food the man gave him. He just talked to him, asked who he was living with. Jim replied “no one, I'm alone.” he was given a piece of bread which he wolfed down before the next question was raised. “Who do you know here?” the man held a piece of fruit in two fingers as he asked “My friend was nearby but his parents were killed... They took him away. Everyone else is hiding or dead...” Jim said it almost mournfully, not for his friend who he did fear for and feel anguish over... but for his own aching body yearning for that morsel just inches from himself. He ought to feel more shame for this but his only concern was how this man would take to his answers. What did he want to hear? He'd say anything to get something to eat.

Apparently that was good enough because he quickly enjoyed the succulent juices of a mandarin slice. Jim was sure he'd never tasted anything so spectacularly before. Taste so crisp and clear it was as if for the first time. It was over far too soon and the man seemed to enjoy his enthusiasm, sneaking him another piece without asking anything. They joked a little bit and Jim was charmed quite easily by this smooth stranger with intense generosity and an uncanny ability to find hungry stranded boys. Their first meeting ended like that, with full bellies and raised spirits. Jim was glad for this stranger who even promised to bring him another meal when he could.

It continued on like that, and Jim was happy to see the quick-witted man. He was funny, suave, and clever. He only had to answer simple questions that seemed too good to be true but the catch was quickly revealed when the man wanted physical exchanges. Soon it became about exposing oneself. “Take your shirt off” he'd say. “It's sweltering in here, how can you stand it?” Jim did as he was instructed and they enjoyed refreshing grapes. Clothes slowly came off in the humid barn, Jim felt odd but said nothing of it. He didn't dare say anything that would cause the man to retreat with his food. He'd just put his clothes back on when he left. For now there were celery stalks and potato slices to be eaten.

It was inevitable, when Jim was sitting naked with this man, that he would notice his groin. Childlike curiosity surrounded his gaze, nothing more than observing what he'd have as an adult. The man caught him and before he could blush there was an invitation to touch it. He went scarlet at the thought but the man seemed sure enough.

“Go on. Touch it, it's something you ought to know about.” Jim felt petrified and stared at the flaccid thing for a good minute before the man's larger hand covered his own and brought it to his cock. His fingers slowly curled around the thing holding on as long as he had to before he was released and the man passed him another bite of food. He held his breath, wondering when in adulthood this was going to become necessary. Was this something he was missing? If his father was alive would they be doing this? It felt strange where everything up to this point felt joyously natural.

The man let him go, and in turn reached for his. Jim nearly jumped away.

“Something wrong?”

“Your hand is cold.”

“Don't worry, it'll warm up.”

It didn't, but Jim got used to it as it moved across his body. It was strange and uncomfortable but the man encouraged him to reciprocate.

“You're becoming a man witnessing this madness, you might as well learn all the rest.” Jim took his word for it as their meetings went on. He touched and was touched, all the while feeling like something wasn't right, as if someone was showing him a daisy and describing rather passionately what a lovely rose it was.

It wasn't until they'd made a habit of this that Kodos made any sort of attempt on him. He'd become accustomed to touching the man and expected to be fondled in return. He didn't like it but it was the key to getting a meal and there were worse things. He'd fondle this man's crop for hours if it meant delaying the agony of starvation another day.

But today something was different in the man's behavior. He didn't say much but they ate and touched and Jim waited for him to buckle his pants and be done with it. But his hands strayed, fondling between his legs, his cold fingers hooked under him, pulling flesh back one cold digit at a time. Jim found himself placed gently on his back while icy fingers found his entrance and slowly rubbed little circles. He felt so small then, looking up at this man. He saw everything that he was: a man of great dignity and wit, smart, kindly when he wished to be, well-liked he was sure, perhaps even rich. He was someone Jim had wanted to emulate and while this all felt very wrong in a way it was still right. This man's wishes were worth more than his own considering he had the food. Everything up until now had been harmless though embarrassing. But the barn doors were closed, there was no one here to see anyway, everyone was in hiding or dead. He didn't want to join the latter group so he silently and wordlessly signaled his agreement with limp compliance.

It started off gentle enough or at least he told himself that. It got rather excruciating rather quickly and Jim was dimly aware that he was trembling and about to cry out but the man eyed him fiercely with a silent demand to remain voiceless. Jim was conflicted between wanting to scream in agony and complying with the man. On one hand he felt as though he was being ripped in two and from the familiar metallic smell accumulating in the air and warm liquid pooling beneath him, he knew he was. On the other hand what was the point? There was no one who could help him, no one who even knew he was here. All the while his pain was slowly numbing as Jim went some place else though how he did so he was sadly unaware. The man thrust into him a while longer and then it seemed to be over. Jim felt heavy, ashamed, confused, and feeling like he ought to cry if there weren't already tears in his eyes from the pain. The man sat between his legs for a while and when Jim tried to curl up, he grabbed him by the ankles.

“You're a virgin.”

“...”

“You know what that means? Twice. You have to do it twice your first time around.”

“...”

“Did you like what I just did?... You want me to do that again?” his grip on his ankles tightened with promised threat and Jim winced, then nodded.

“Sure.”

“That's a good boy. It always hurts your first time, that's why doing it twice will help.”

“A-alright.”

“I know it's scary but this is for your benefit. I wish I had someone show me the ropes when I was your age.” The man got on with it and Jim willed himself not to scream but inwardly he wished it would be over. He didn't feel the pain, he only felt numb and heavy like a huge whale. When the man got up and left, he laid out another meal for Jim. Perhaps this was a reward for being a good sport? Maybe the man wasn't so cruel after all...

[spohkh]

[The space around the sun flexed as deep anguish flowed through Spock upon witnessing the horrors Jim experienced. He knew that this was only the beginning, rationally he knew that he should not be reacting the way he was and that Jim survived...

....but everything in him wanted to scream out, cry, roar with sadness and fury. To take apart piece by piece the man that had done this to his beloved mate. And he would... by Surak he would and he would enjoy it. It was the one piece of information that he had to protect from Jim... his plans to destroy Kodos and erase his existence from the universe. Spock is not a judgmental being, but this one time...
...well, he would make an exception.

With a mental sob, the Vulcan enveloped Jim.... while he knew that comfort was not something that Jim necessary needed or wanted, it was the only thing that Spock could offer. Because right now? He didn't quite know how to process the information he was given. It was difficult to comprehend at best. At worst, it was suffocating. Seeing this... he couldn't breath. But he would be strong... this was a part of Jim. A memory... a reminder that not even hell could break him.

Spock's own mind flickered... He was an older youth, a young teenager by human standards. A female Vulcan of around the same age stood beside him, and together they stood in front of their clan leaders, while their fathers made the agreements. T'Pau linked their minds and from that moment on the Vulcan felt unwelcome.
When he was younger, he was nervous and apprehensive about the bonding ceremony, about meeting his future wife. But part of him welcomed the idea that he would meet the one being that would be with him for the rest of his days. to be intimately linked to him and would know his mind and he would know hers. He hoped...

....he hoped that he would find love.
But the moment his mind connected with hers, he felt nothing but cold. She hated him, everything about him, his family, their bond... Immediately, she learned to shut him out. Such a fledgling bond needed time and maintenance to grow and flourish. To be blocked from it caused pain. She knew what she was doing, and she reveled in every moment she could cause him pain. Spock refused to tell his parents, even though he knew his mother knew that something was wrong with him. He suffered in silence... alone. For three years this continued and Spock grew steadily more reclusive and sickly. Eventually it came to a head when the bond finally snapped.

He was found in one of the learning domes, passed out.... drowning in his own vomit. When he woke, it was to the sight of his father's worried eyes, and his promise that he would not force another bonding on him. It was the closest he ever felt to his father.
And he never again wanted to see the face of T'Pring.]

[demon_prosecutor]

<sub>[Jim regrets that Spock has to see any of it. Surely this vulcan has no concept of what rape is, how cruel and vicious it really is. He swears he doesn't want to degrade Spock in such a manner. But it has to be done... he wishes he could block this from him, to spare him this education.

But Spock's memory served as an excellent distraction for Jim. He learned quite instantly and rather effectively how vulcan bonding ceremonies worked. He recognized T'Pau's face... and Sarek's. The girl was beautiful... but she was cruel. Jim would have everyone know that this is further proof that vulcans are hardly unemotional. This bitch was taking joy in tormenting Spock. His Spock. His beautiful pure hearted Spock... Ultimately Jim isn't too angry with her because he knows how this story ends. She dies and Spock finds love.

...He was learning all manner of nuances about bonds. They could be toxic and they had extraordinary power over vulcans. They could kill one if they were sour enough... Jim watched grief-stricken as Spock withered away for years, thinking this was far worse than his episodic rapes. He knew the pain of suffering in silence and he wouldn't wish it on anyone. Especially Spock... his Spock.

Jim was learning just how exposed he was in this bond... there was nothing to hide his emotions. All of them. He felt angry and rued T'Pring... but he was also satisfied that it ended poorly. Had she tried even a little bit to be Spock's friend, he would have stayed with her and remained on Vulcan... and likely he would have died. Jim never would have met him. It's terribly selfish but Jim is glad he has Spock for himself... He is glad people set the bar low, so he could soar over it...





“This is the way it has to be... I don't want this any more than you.”

“You're feeding me with...”

“Food I can't afford to be sparing. I'm trying to make it go as far as it can.”

“...”

“I know it's difficult to accept. I hate it too. It's complicated.”

“...” Jim knew it wasn't complicated. He knew this was flat out wrong but what made him sick inside was his willingness to still accept these meals. In fact he'd be distraught if they stopped coming for the sake of a 'chosen' citizen over himself. Even if it cost someone their lives... he wanted to live. He knew he wanted to live no matter what... even if it came at a price. He was willing to accept that price, he was willing to accept responsibility for not only his part in the carnage happening around him but for Kodos' mistreatment of his body.

“So come on, kid, talk to me. You hungry or what?”

“I am.”

“Then you know what you have to do.”

“I know... but it hurts, do we have to right now?”

“That's no problem. You can use your mouth the same as the other end, didn't you know that?”

When Kodos left Jim was fed but nearly retched it all up from the vertigo. His head pounded, his throat burned, and he felt the need to gag.</sub>

[spohkh]

[Spock watched in silent horror at what Jim was subjected to. He was never more sorry than when he tried to feed Jim.
Then again, he didn't know what it meant, but he hated being part of that pain now that he knew.

A part of him that could see past the horror was quite glad to be able to learn so much about Jim. This way he wouldn't make the same mistake twice... and they would also know how to handle each other. These things were so difficult to bear alone.]

Ashaya... my suffering at the hands of T'Pring is not to be compared to the hell you have experienced. She.. it not someone I dwell on very often, not since leaving Vulcan. I left her... and everyone else behind. My only regret was leaving my mother behind with them.

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[Jim is relieved to finally share his burden with someone. He's needed help for a very long time. But he never let anyone in... He forgives Spock for his transgression. He didn't know. He fixed the problem anyway, got Jim out of his subsequent funk... all is well between them. He knows that Spock would never hurt him on purpose.]}

You had to go, Spock. You couldn't stay there just for her either... you did the right thing...

_{[He knows he can't hold back his memories but he invites Spock to tell him more about his mother and the effects of the ruined bond.]}




Jim was hesitant to come to him next time but the man brought out food first thing. He offered for Jim to eat first and he so wanted to. It had been days since he last saw him, his body had ached in want, and he salivated at the sight of it.

“Take it. It's yours.”

“Thank you.”

“Don't mention it... I guess you owe me something now, don't you?” he reached around, grabbing a fistful of Jim's rump, squeezing him. Jim gasped softly, wincing as Kodos gripped him too hard, his fingers like daggers even through his thick denim jeans.

“I-I guess....” he tried not to whimper.

“We had a deal, remember? It's not easy getting this food for you. You know the things I've had to do... I don't want to but there's not enough to go around. Now... I know a lot of other people would love to have this...”

“I...I didn't!” a needle of fear struck through him, he felt ice cold and almost too timid to speak. Would Kodos leave him here to starve because of his hesitation? He hadn't said no about their deal. “I didn't mean-”

Kodos smiled softly, speaking melodically, soothing, and kind. “Hey now, it's alright. I wouldn't up and leave you hanging. We made a deal right? And I always stick to my word.” Jim nodded, relieved. He didn't want to feel the anguish of hunger again.

“A good man always keeps his word, right?”

He nodded.

“And you're a good man too, I know that about you. It's why I knew I could make this agreement with you.”

He paused, dreading where this was going. But he was right... Kodos had gone to a lot of trouble to bring food he really didn't have to spare. Someone was missing a meal for him. It was the least he could do to hold up his end of the bargain right?..........right?

Jim nodded, procuring a smile from the red haired man. “That's right. I knew you were a good man. Come here...” Jim's legs twitched, and awkwardly he shuffled over while reprimanding himself for this surrender. He knew the right answer was no... but it was also yes. Kodos was asking something he shouldn't give him but Jim had agreed and he needed this bargain if he wanted to live.

It didn't matter, the trade began anyway. Kodos' hands slid over his body, undressing him, laying him down. Jim again felt so small underneath him but he closed his eyes and let Kodos do his business, waiting for it to be over.

“Eat.”

What? Had Kodos spoken? It came out kind of like a grunt. Jim opened his eyes, seeing Kodos looking at him with a grumpy expression.

“Eat.” he reached for a grape, holding it out to Jim. “I brought this for you, fucking eat it. Don't think you're too good for it.”

“But I... right now?” Kodos had never complained about him not eating in front of him. Had he done something wrong?

“Don't be a brat about it, eat it.” he pushed the grape past Jim's lips where he held it, the force of his hand pushed Jim's head flat on the ground. Kodos' hand was salty, his nails scraped the inside of his mouth. The grape was crushed between his fingers but he wouldn't pull them out.. Jim gagged, hands around the man's wrist.

“Swallow it.” Kodos' eyes were so intense, angry ice blue that chilled Jim on the spot. Somehow he knew this would only escalate if he struggled so slowly and with great care he flexd his throat to retrieve the small fruit and swallowed it. Kodos withdrew his hand and Jim gasped for air though his break was a short one. The man returned with a piece of bread which Jim was loathe to take, though he reached for it. Kodos' mouth was on his skin as he swallowed the morsel, inspiring a desire to gag. He didn't reach for another piece even though Kodos slid the plate of fruit over to him.

“... Is there a problem with it?”

“No, it's just... I can't really breath when you--”

“Is there a problem with the food I bring you?”

“N-no...”

“Then eat it. Or do I need to help you?”

He hastily grabbed an orange slice but his hands were shaking, teeth chattering. He struggled around the fruit, unable to swallow it. Kodos growled, leaping forward holding Jim down as he pushed the fruit deeper into his mouth.

“Mnnngg!” Jim struggled, breathing heavily through his nose. This was another kind of penetration, to be categorized with the other things Kodos did. Jim wondered mournfully if he'd bleed from this too. He could hardly accommodate the size of the orange while it wasn't chewed. It slammed against his throat much like Kodos' penis, and his throat worked as an effectiv door, refusing entrance to so large a morsel. Nearly a minute of struggling forced the thing down his throat anyway and it traced lines down his esophagus threatening to rip it open. Jim didn't want to have to spit up blood all over Kodos...

He gasped for air once more, limp on the ground. Kodos was fumbling with his belt and Jim was simultaneously relieved and filled with dread. It was almost over. The worst part was imminent but at least he didn't have to eat like that anymore.

Only he did. Kodos held a sliver of carrot to Jim's mouth, spearing it past his teeth as he simultaneously pushed inside him in one thrust. Jim groaned in pain, opening his throat enough to allow the vegetable to be shoved down his gullet. More followed until the plate was clear and Kodos was spent inside him. After he was finished, Jim remained still, watching as the man adjusted his clothes and stepped out of the barn.

“Do as I say... and we won't have problems.”

Once he was gone, Jim turned to his side, vomiting half of his food up. The rest wasn't broken down yet, he couldn't get it up though he could feel his belly trying to expel it. Thin, acidic, putrid bile formed a puddle on the dirt floor where he lay, his throat burned, his body ached and he knew he was bleeding. He groaned, trembled... and carefully picked himself up off the floor to walk ten feet into an animal stall. There was a pile of hay there that he dropped himself into where he was warm and could pass out.

_{[Jim gave Spock time to process that memory before speaking]}

And that's why I don't like being fed.

[spohkh]

[Spock shuddered violently....
Oh Jim...

Strangely enough he could see certain habits that the Captain had due to these events. How he chewed his food, and how he always finished his plate...

It was almost sickening knowing where those habits had come from. Spock wanted so desperately to remind Jim that he no longer needed to risk so much to survive. But he knew Jim knew that... even though he still insisted on risking his life on a daily basis.]

You are not defined by these actions K'diwa... I am so sorry that this happened to you.

[Spock's own memories continued to pan out. His uneventful, lonely youth. The day he told his mother that celebrating his birthday was an illogical human tradition. He could see the hurt in his eyes, but the approval in his father's. And that's who he wanted to be right? He wanted to be a Vulcan. He wanted to be accepted.
She never wavered though, his mother. She was a constant.

But his struggle to become fully Vulcan came to a head when he turned eighteen years old, and he once more faced the Vulcan council on his application to the VSA.]

You have surpassed the expectations of your instructors. Your final record is flawless. With one exception. I see you have applied to Starfleet as well.

It was logical to cultivate multiple options.

Logical but unnecessary. You are hereby accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy. A distinction all the more significant given that you will be its first half-human pupil. It is truly remarkable Spock. That you have achieved so much despite your disadvantage. Welcome to the Academy.

[Ice cold swept through Spock as his eyes narrowed. He could see his father seated beside the other ministers... T'Pau silently watching in the background. Once more, he was a mistake, a failure to these people because of his heritage.
He had had enough.]

If you would clarify, Minister... what 'disadvantage' are you referring to?

Why... your human mother.

[If Spock was the lesser Vulcan these people seemed to think he was, he would have growled....]

Council! Ministers... I must decline.

No Vulcan has ever declined admission to this academy!

Then as I am half-human, your record remains untarnished.

[Spock could see his father move... ]
Spock, you have made a commitment to honour the Vulcan way...

[Spock would have no more to do with these Vulcans... not now.] At the moment, Father, I can think of no greater way to honour our race than to attend Starfleet as its first Vulcan.

[The other ministers looked flabbergasted... good.]
Why did you come before this council today? Was it to satisfy your emotional need to rebel?

[Spock was calm... almost serene for the first time in his entire life. This was the right decision... And to borrow a Terran phrase, these Vulcans could go to hell.]
I came with the intention of enrolling, as my father wished. However, your insight has convinced me otherwise. Therefore, the only emotion I wish to convey is gratitude. Thank you, Ministers, for your consideration....
....Live long and prosper.

[Spock walks out of the atrium, leaving all of the ministers behind. His mother was waiting for him out in the hall but he couldn't look at her. Instead, he could hear his father's quiet, but commanding voice to meet with him.
He wished that Amanda didn't follow... but she did.... And here they were, all three of them in Sarek's office at the VSA.
Sarek looked livid.. for a Vulcan.]

I implore you to rescind your decision and accept your position at the Academy. It is the right way Spock, the Vulcan way. I will have no son of mine enroll in Starfleet.
If you do so, you will be breaking several laws we hold dear as a race. They will have you carry a weapon, to be willing to kill, to fight. This is not the way!

[He could see his mother, wide eyed and teary.... standing off to the side... watching.]

Father I have made my decision. My place is not here. I believe that my talents will be best utilized on Earth, with Starfleet.

[Spock was nervous... he swallows as he watches his father go quiet.]
Are you certain, Spock?

Yes, Father.

[Sarek nods... then turns his back.]
Very well.... Turn around Amanda, this man is a stranger to us. We no longer have a son.


[The memory starts to fade as Amanda sobs... almost in hysterics. Sarek eventually takes her by the arm and guides her out of the office.
Spock leaves Vulcan that night.
He doesn't even get to say goodbye to his mother.]

ack, I feel like I need to catch up with Jim's memories being posted on here. Spock's already 18!

[engineering_made_easy]

_{[Jim didn't respond to Spock's consideration for him. He simply watched in rebellious support... then in stricken sorrow as Spock was dethroned. Stripped of the last thing he held dear. He was angry at Sarek. Angry for throwing Spock out, for breaking his wife's heart, for isolating Spock even more. He agrees Spock made the right choice but this just proves to him how ugly the vulcan people really are. Hateful, xenophobic, bigots. All of them... well he knew that wasn't true. T'Mar and Surok weren't like that, most of the crew they'd encountered on New Vulcan were fine enough... but still...]}

You did what you had to do... don't blame yourself, Spock. He made that decision, shitty as it was.

_{[Jim felt like he had so much to still say. He wasn't finished with Kodos' story and getting home to earth. Spock was jetting through his whole life, was he being economical? No... he just had that little to share. His life truly felt empty and devoid of interaction... Jim's heart hurt at Spock's childhood loneliness.]}

My apologies~ But don't feel as though you have to rush. This is just all I have... ^_^;

[spohkh]

[The space that Spock represented seemed to quiver... There was so much... so much of them melding together that it was getting difficult to differentiate between the two.
But Spock could still feel that golden sunlight. It was like a beacon in the darkness. Something he would always see.]

My mother was eventually able to sway him. Approximately two years after that incident, she informed me that she had left him for a year, and was only going to come back if Sarek agreed to once again contact me.
He did, and I was reinstated as a member of the family.

But we were never the same.

[Spock encouraged Jim to continue. He was ready.]

No I think it fits, I just worry it'll be me tooting my own horn here. I have 31 pages and counting

[engineering_made_easy]

Seriously? That must have been serious...like they ended their bond? No...that would have seriously messed them both up. Where did she live? What did she do? ... Your mom is amazing. She's the bravest lady I know.]

_{[Lady. Not woman, not mom, not female. Lady. Jim paused then prepped himself for the worst one.]}




It was bright today, a warm sunny afternoon not yet two. Jim had half a mind of wandering outside and exploring what was left of the executed planet. By now the patrols had moved out of this district and he'd be safe from collection and inevitable destruction. However his body was still sore from the last time Kodos visited and he was a bit loath to move. It must have been by some untapped power to summon the last person he wished to see but Jim was quite suddenly in the presence of the planetary leader. He came empty handed which relieved Jim. He was hardly in the mood to eat anyway and he hoped the lack of food meant there wouldn't be a transaction today... but he was wrong. He attempted to skirt away from the man but in the barn there was nowhere to run. He was dragged from his hiding place in the hay out into the middle, placed on his back. Kodos was on top once more, Jim gasped, suddenly flailing. His arms swung, no target in mind. He smacked the man across the face producing a growl from him though his eyes strangely appeared excited and celebratory.

A mighty hand clamped his arms over his head on the ground. Fruitlessly Jim yanked, using his whole weight to struggle against the man pinning him to the floor. He had obviously planned for this as zip ties and tape were quickly produced. The blond child quickly found himself gagged with hands bound, tied to a nearby support beam. While he knew it was futile to try and wriggle out of it, Jim still tried and he got a chuckle for his efforts, which was enough to get him to scream.

“NO! NO GET OFF ME--” his mouth was covered then by Kodos' other hand working as an effective gag. It was heavy and covered half of his face easily. He yelled through it, muffled as Kodos ripped his pants away, spitting on his fingers. Jim writhed as the man slicked himself up, looking all too eagerly at him. When he did enter him, there was a sigh of pleasure mixed with a groan of pain. Jim arched, still writhing and gasping to escape. The rips inside him from Kodos' last visit sparked to life, singing with lacerating sensation. His fingers clenched and unclenched, nails dug into the heels of his hands. He could hear Kodos grunting, then at one point he smirked at Jim who in turn sank his teeth into the hand gagging him, sending the fingers away with bite marks and a tinge of red. The man cried out in pain and then lowered his fist to Jim's face twice.

“You like it rough? You only had to ask...”

“N-no—nghh!” the man struck him at liberty while he thrust into his body threatening like he'd tear him into pieces. Jim could not move though he did try to lean away from every blow which was a useless effort. It seemed to only encourage the man over him. An interminably long time passed. His body was numb from the wailing and the agonizing thrusting. The only thing that broke it up was the smattering of physical assault his upper register received. Where his lower extremities were Kodos' sex toys, his upper half was a punching bag. Jim felt his lip split, his nose started bleeding, his eyes had time to both swell. He stopped trying to lean out of the hits, knowing it was useless and it only made the man strike him harder. After that Kodos bored with him, or so he thought with naïve relief. But Kodos merely made use of Jim's mouth.

“That'll shut you up.”

He made a strangled noise around him that was quickly cut off as the back of his throat was repeatedly hammered. Jim focused on breathing through his nose and not vomiting. It worked well enough, he got himself through until Kodos again grew bored and switched areas.

What felt like years were gone before Kodos crawled off of him. His arms were freed at last but he hadn't the strength to use them. They fell heavily to the side of his head as Kodos adjusted his belt and looked into Jim's eyes. He watched Jim passively, almost like a father watching his child fall asleep... His hand darted forward, fisting in Jim's hair. He dragged the boy up by that grip, encouraging a yelp from him.

“You bite me next time we're going to have real problems. I might just bite something off you.” he snickered and threw Jim back to the ground, his head cracking on the dirt floor. The man's boot thrust into his gut, knocking the wind from him. He grinned wickedly, kicking Jim one more time before leaving, his boots sounded a recessional Jim found nearly melodic.

“See you around, kid.” he smiled at Jim as he walked off, leaving him alone with the agony. It was hours before he could move without whimpering. He got dressed and left the barn, finding the sky was bright pink, the sun was nearly set and the moon was rising. What time was it? How long had Kodos been... A broken car, its engine removed and half the grill missing. There was a crawl-space into it through the front under the radiator. Jim climbed inside, curling up in the passenger's seat and thinking about what happened. It was all replaying in his mind, his voice, his breathing... his comments before he'd hit him... Jim reached for the sun visor, revealing the mirror on the underside.
His lip was split twice, his nose had bled and dried over his face, eyes were puffy and dark, cheeks were blushing a brilliant purple, he paused as he withdrew his hand from the sun visor. His wrists both sported strange purple bands, almost like bracelets. He rubbed his skin gently and laid back, closing his eyes, hoping to sleep forever.

But your horn sounds so pretty~ <3

[spohkh]

[Spock's mind moaned in agony at the savage memories that Jim projected. Finding Jim's essence, he curled into it, giving both comfort, and looking for some in return.

How could anyone in this universe be so brutal?
Spock wasn't naive, he knew there were inexplicable atrocities that happened everyday. That there was cruelty in abundance.
But Spock has never felt anything like this before. He marveled for a moment, thinking that if he was ever in this situation, he may not have survived. If it was just a physical assault, maybe.
But a young Vulcan, who can feel another's thoughts through touch, being assaulted like that? That has death written all over it. If not death, then permanent insanity. There would be no way he could have survived such a vile crime.

And to a child no less.

Sure Spock had received a lot of grief from his peers, but there were never any adults on Vulcan that gave him such a hard time. To a mature Vulcan, children were considered sacred, something to be celebrated and treated with respect. To think that such crimes happened to a child was very sad.

Spock almost didn't want the memories to continue. But to deny them would be to deny Jim...
... so he asked for more.]

XD

[engineering_made_easy]

<sub>[He pet Spock's psyche, wanting him to be at peace. Jim held him close, drawing him into the sun. He knows this has to be mind-altering to Spock and he regrets everything he's going through. He wishes he could keep Spock pure...

But seriously? Vulcans died from things like this?]</sub>

It's alright, that was the last one...it's gonna be ok.




Jim jolted awake to the sound of metal being cut. He flinched, panic rose in him as he saw people surrounding the vehicle. He was wanton to scream but his voice failed him. The people around him were dressed in Federation uniforms. They were clearly First Responders, some tapped the glass, offering comforting messages that it would be over soon and to hold still. Jim wasn't ready, he was a mess... they could see the state he was in, they had to know... or did they? Did anyone know what these markings on him meant? There were sparks flying as they cut the door off the car, Jim closed his eyes and just waited for it to be over.

It didn't come up. They said it was over, Kodos was dead and the rescue effort was taking care of everything. Jim was in quiet shock at the news. Could that man really be... gone? The boy felt a iny bit vulnerable at the thought. The rescuers were gentle with him, carrying him to the response station which was bustling with more people than Jim remembered living in this district. Massive pavilions filled with responders, nurses, and cots upon cots of people being fed intravenously. Entire blocks of tables arranged with neat piles of medicine, food, and IV tubing that almost betrayed the frenzied atmosphere. People were lined up to receive triage. The better off ones were allowed to shower and change clothes, then given a place at a tent farther in the distance where Jim could see people eating. The others in this pavilion were gaunt and yellow. Nurses led them gently to lay down on clean cotton cots and hooked them up to a bag. He didn't want to lay among them, he didn't want to be out in the open and he shifted a bit, the man carrying him seemed to understand.

“You're not going to be there with the others. You need special attention, I have a private station for you.”

Jim felt relieved... but then concerned about the vulnerability that privacy allowed. Would this man follow in Kodos' footsteps?

“I...”

“Shh shh, it's alright. You're safe now. I'm taking you to a doctor. She's really nice.”

“I don't... no. I..”

“No one's gonna hurt you now. My name is Tom.”

“...I'm Jim.”

“Nice to meet you, Jim.” Tom was hiding emotions, perhaps anguish, perhaps anger. Maybe even disgust. Jim looked away, ashamed. Tom held him tighter against his chest.

“What happened wasn't your fault.”

“You don't know what happened.”

“I've seen it before.”

“Stop.”

“Jim, it's alright, you weren't--”

“Leave me alone!” he shouted, suddenly drawing far too much attention though Tom nodded to the others and they resumed their tasks. Jim felt powerless. He didn't want anyone to know but they all knew. He didn't want to be seen but he was in broad daylight like a spectacle. He wanted to run but he knew he couldn't even walk. Tom had him secured too tight in his arms for him to flounder away.

“I'm sorry.”

“...”

“We're almost there now.”

“I'm sorry too... I shouldn't have yelled.”

“You can scream if you want. A lot of other people have already.” he smiled wanly. “We had one guy go into a paranoid rage and ran around the whole camp naked this morning.”

Jim smiled but didn't quite laugh. “Is he okay?”

“He was just scared, I'm sure he's plenty embarrassed now but he's fine.”

“Good...” Tom continued to talk with Jim the whole way to the surgical tents. They clashed starkly with the bustling noisy recovery pavilions by being not only silent but sparsely populated. The few patients he saw were sleeping or sitting silently, looking outward at nothing. A man eyed him from a bench, his face had been clawed away and was masked in bandages. One unobscured eye gazed outwards as if looking into an abyss. He looked ethereal, wise, and strangely hollow as if he had seen a hidden truth of mankind. Jim maintained eye contact as Tom passed him. He recognized the glance and he knew that he was among familiars here. The patients were silent, there was nothing to say, no words that could adequately express what they'd faced.

Tom called for a doctor named Lisa. She was a petite woman with tightly bunned brown hair and the moment she laid eyes on Jim her face changed. She grew stony and clenched, as though she were wearing a mask or covering something up.

“Put him in 3. I'll be right there.”

Tom carried Jim into a small medical tent and gently laid him in the exam bed. “I can stay if you want.”

Jim wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. He shrugged “I'm alright. You have other people to find.”

Lisa came to him then, carrying a medical bag and a camera. She remained professional in every aspect but her eyes. They gave away that she felt sorry for Jim. Jim was rubbing his wrists when she walked in but once he saw the camera, his eyes didn't leave it.

“Hello Jim.”

“...”

“My name is Dr. Gray... I'm going to help you.”

“...”

“Do you know who did this, Jim?”

“Hm?”

“Who hurt you?”

“...he never said his name...”

“I see...”

“But I know who he is.”

Lisa fingered the camera nervously.

“He's the man who's been killing everyone.”

“.....Kodos?” he nodded.

Lisa paused but a moment before she adjusted the camera controls. Jim sighed, lowering his head and looking away.

“You still have to make a file about it, don't you?”

“...It's the law. I have to report child abuse, Jim.”

“Even when the person who did it is dead?”

She seemed to be thinking about it. Jim would comply with her if she made him but he knew she brought that camera to photograph his wounds. She was only doing it because she had to, she maybe even thought she was helping but Jim didn't think he could stomach another humiliating moment like that. To be a spectacle to anyone who saw that file...

There was a heavy drop as Lisa set the camera down.

“No. I don't have to do that.” Jim breathed a sigh of relief. “But you have to promise me you'll get help when you go home.”

“I-I will.... my mom knows a lot of doctors... she's in Starfleet.”

“Good.” that seemed to satisfy the doctor and she went about the next task. The boy said nothing as she dressed his superficial wounds. She healed his bruises, cuts, then carefully she numbed him and tended to the lacerations inside him. She gave him pain medicine that helped him sleep until it was time to go home.

[spohkh]

[Spock watched in relative silence.]

Ashaya... you have survived so much. I will be honest and say that I do not know how to react to this. There is so much pain, grief, anger... so much feeling that I cannot quite comprehend.
I truly hope that this does not hinder us.

[Spock wonders if his not being able to relate to Jim, or even to retain a certain level of understanding would prevent them from growing closer. He truly hopes not.
Spock flounders for a moment, his dark space pulsing with the need to be close to Jim, yet mournful in the knowledge that Jim came through so much... He's like a shooting star. Brilliant and untouchable. A survivor from an exploding sun.

And Spock also thinks how fortunate he was not to have experienced such brutality.... and finds the knowledge that Jim being his first true sexual encounter quite precious.]

[demon_prosecutor]

Honestly I prefer you saying that than trying to come up with something. People have... the people who tried to help me after I came home... they all just shoved platitudes on me or told me to get over it then were surprised when I didn't. I don't mind someone not understanding it. I can't stand someone pretending they get it when they don't.

<sub>[Honestly he's wondering if Spock might consider the shooting star's perspective. It was wonderful and fleeting and everyone loved it... but it was always alone. It longed for touch and intimacy but never got it. Don't shut him out just because it's uncomfortable. He didn't ask for this baggage...

He's glad that Spock never went through what he did. He is even more glad that he was Spock's first. Not because of sexual conquest but he knows Spock was taken care of, he was in control of being as gentle as Spock needed... and that's something Jim can truly appreciate the value of.]</sub>

[spohkh]

[Ah yes, but the shooting star was traveling through space... was continuously surrounded by it, cradled by it.
It was merely a change of perspective that made the universe a bit more right. He would never shut Jim out... but he did admit to having some difficulty with the emotions.

The memories kicked off once more as Spock focused on what happened after he got to the Academy. He was so new to Earth and its mannerisms.. its cold weather. Spock was not only the first Vulcan, but he was also one of the first non-human to join the Academy. It may have been his presence there that encouraged others to join, but for now...
...he was once again alone.
For the most part, the humans left him alone, and that was quite agreeable to Spock. Right away he tested out of all the introduction classes, acing every single one of them.... changing the grading curve slightly.
That was when some of the other students became... aggressive.

Vandilism was the first thing... notes on his door telling him to go back to Vulcan... attempted break-ins to his dorm room...
Someone had even managed to reprogram his meal plan... so that no matter what he had ordered all he received was meat.
Spock was disinclined to complain to the faculty, and he wouldn't, as long as the treatment didn't get any worse than that. He only had another year anyway... and a position to teach after that. The only reason he was still in a dorm was because there wasn't any room currently at the graduate complex... and he couldn't yet get faculty housing at the water front.
The teasing, vadalism and name calling cased.... and it was then that Spock became worried. Pike kept encouraging him to make friends, to get out and be sociable... but the good Captain never could understand.
The one time everything escalated was in the communal shower room in the dorm. Spock always made sure to shower or use the sonics earlier in the morning, when no one else was there. This one time, they had it planned. A group of students from the security track all walked in...

Spock kept his head down... making sure to not attract attention and went about his business. When he went to walk out thought... one of them grabbed him by the arm.]

Where'ya goin' ya pointy eared elf? We would like to have a word with you.... See, we thought you got our message...

You will have to be more specific, what message would that be?
[Spock tried to play it cool... blocking his mind from the invasive thoughts.
The grip on his arm tightened...

...Spock raised an eyebrow.]

We thought it'd be best for everyone if you went back to that hotter then hell planet of yours.

You will unhand me, or I will be forced to take action.

[The other men laughed and jeered.... daring him to do something.
Inside Spock was sad... all he ever wanted was to be accepted by these people, to join them in their studies and explore the great beyond.
He avoided confronting them in a misplaced hope that they would change....

He realized now that hope was illogical.

Twisting his body, the crack in the air was audible as he twisted the other man's arm so hard that is broke. It was followed by a Vulcan pinch and he dropped like a stone....
Spock glared at the others... and they scrambled, taking their fallen comrade with them.

He was never bothered by them again. And Pike stopped asking him to be sociable.]

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[Jim sighed at the letdown Spock must have felt. Being alone, truly alone... and wondering if it was all worth it. He'd lost his home, his pet, his parents, all for... seemingly nothing. He easily outshined his peers and that won him nothing but resentment. Jim wished he'd have been there, maybe he could have taught Spock to interact socially. but that was a futile thought, they were here now.]}

Punks like that always come around. Don't worry about it.





“Jim.... Jim... Jim! JIM! WAKE UP!” he opened his eyes, gasping. His mother was at his bedside, arms around him.

“Jimmy? Honey? What's wrong? You were screaming in your sleep...”

Jim was shaking. He'd been dreaming of Kodos and Tarsus. He hadn't considered that he could cry out in his sleep.

“What did I say?”

“You were just screaming 'no no no'” Winona pet his hair, her eyes were bright with tears. “It's alright now, baby. You're away from there.”

“Is he ok?” Frank asked softly from the doorway.

“We're working on it... Do you want something to drink, baby?”

Jim slowly nodded.

“You want warm milk?”

He nodded again and Frank headed downstairs. Jim said nothing but laid against his mother and she pet his hair. He spent many nights in this manner and his mother's patience grew thinner and thinner. She started suggesting therapists, doctors, journal self-help. Anything to ease the burden from her sleep cycle. Or rather, from her heart. She didn't know how to fix Jim. She knew her son was irreparably damaged the same as she was but she couldn't heal herself much less tell him how.

Jim forgave her that. It wasn't her fault really. He only resented when she got distant. Some mornings he'd cling to her after a bad night, hours he'd lay awake unable to sleep again and unwilling to face his nightmares. He was exhausted, at the end of his rope. Some mornings she would hug him and they'd make breakfast together and he felt better. Other days... she shrugged him off.

Again, he forgave her. She was broken too. They had to adjust, he had to adjust like adults did. His mother didn't stop working or providing for him just because she had a bad experience. He didn't want to have Kodos be the rest of his life either. So he stopped asking for comfort, he didn't cling, he didn't whine, and he stifled any part of himself that wanted outside help. Eventually she left for space again. Frank would wake him in the night angrily.

“Jim!... Shut up. I'm trying to sleep.”

“....sorry.”

“Can't you stop that? It's over, you're home now.”

“I can't control it. I didn't even know I was screaming.”

Every few nights he'd be woken angrily by Frank then dismissed when he tried to apologize.

“Grow up and get over it Jim. Shit happens and you deal with it. You don't sit around crying feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I'm not--”

“At least your brother had the decency to get the hell out of this house when he decided he was going to be a nuisance.”

He knew Frank was right about dealing with it. Jim tried but he didn't know how. Somewhere around the middle of the summer he started to see the resemblance between Kodos and Frank. Kodos was far more intelligent but they were both bullies. Frank threw things around the house, breaking them and forcing Jim to fix what was reparable.

“Just do what I tell you and there won't be problems here, you get me?”

Jim flinched when heard those words.

“Did you hear me, Jimmy!?”

“Yeah... yeah I got it.”

“....good.”

Jim started to see the same attitude in school. The class bullies talked like that to their victims, his teachers resorted to that with difficult students. A lot of leaders in his life were like that... was it a trait or a learned behavior?

He was in a fight with Frank on the day his mother came home. The man was screaming about God knows what but he threw Winona's favorite vase across the room and they both flinched when it crashed on the floor. Jim scrambled to the pieces, inwardly mourning when it was beyond help. Frank was quick to blame Jim for it when his mother asked. He tried to explain...

“Why would Frank throw it?”

“Why would I?”

“Oh Jim would you stop? It's already broken, it doesn't matter. You two pointing blame is the last thing I need around here.”

“...”

“Can't you try to be a little more like Frank sometimes?”

“What?”

“He's nice, he's funny... he's a good guy, Jimmy. I know he's not your father... but he's a good role model.”

“What do you want me to be like?”

“I want you to be happy again. Look at Frank, he's happy. We should both try to be more happy like he is.”

“...alright.”

Jim knew then that he couldn't ever try to be like any adult he knew. Frank was a liar and a cheat. His mother lied to herself and the world pretending she was fine when she wasn't. She couldn't face her own children, even to admit something was wrong with herself. All the adults he knew worked on violence, lies, and cowardice... he understood it now. To continue on the path he had chosen was to become the adult they were molding him into, just like themselves. He'd be a cowering, soulless, lying, bully at best. But what was even more likely to happen... was that this was just going to keep happening. His mother was never going to believe Frank was anything but wonderful. Kodos was never getting out of his head, his brother was never coming back, and the world just sucked. All the garbage that adults fed kids about life being a joyous adventure was devalued in that moment. He was done playing their game. He'd be their victim forever. Or he'd be one of them. Neither of those outcomes were acceptable.

This was the most liberating moment of his life, when he allowed himself to give up. Because nothing mattered anymore. The rules were bullshit and the world was run by evil people. And evil always wins.

He could do anything he wanted to now. Rules didn't mean anything, and the world made so much more sense.

[spohkh]

[Frank...

...there was another pitiless human being that Spock wouldn't mind getting a hold of.
It was rather interesting, normally Spock hated violence... but when it came to his mother, or Jim.... he was willing to kill, to fight...]

Where is he now? I never did ask.

[He knew Winona threw him out, but he worried if he was anywhere close to any of the Kirks..]

[demon_prosecutor]

I didn't either. Don't know, don't care. Don't go after him he's not worth the dirt under your shoes.

_{[He flexed in the bond, reaching for some of the stars, watching them light up, their warmth mixing around each other. It was comforting and thrilling at the same time...]}

[spohkh]

[Spock hummed... pleased that the bond brought so much joy to Jim. Soon though it would bring him pain as the bond created the appropriate neural pathways through his brain.

It would be... very uncomfortable for Jim.

The Vulcan blinked and there was another memory there. He was staring down at his mother as he was lifted high up into the air.
And he? He let out a high pitched, squealing laugh... Amanda was smiling ear to ear as she enjoyed her time with her young, two year old son.
It was his birthday... and she had made a small cake.

She had made certain that Sarek was away so as not to offend his Vulcan sensibilities. But she could not have known that his appointment would end early and that when he walked through the door, his expression would be so disapproving.
He heard their voices raise... well, her voice... in an argument. And later meditating with his father impressing upon him that birthdays were illogical. And that laughing was a senseless expression of joy which should be contained.
Spock never laughed again.]