K/S Hospital Scene bc Into Darkness was so K/S TASTIC

[done_in_3]

It was so sudden. He woke up with a flash, bright lights, soft sounds, a bed, he was alive?? But he'd died in the chamber...in engineering. Spock and he had exchanged that vulcan hand-thing whatever the hell it was. He'd died, he was dead. Was this heaven? Holy....

No. Bones was here nagging at him.

"Oh don't be so melodramatic, you were barely dead. You've been out cold for two weeks."

He was so...taken aback. What had happened? He just remembered being in the locked chamber watching Spock shed tears, glimmering tears of anguish as he slowly died of radiation poisoning... his heart lurched at the memory. He didn't know the vulcan was even capable...

And then Spock was in the room, approaching him. Suddenly... everything else was forgotten. Hell even Bones was gone in his mind, though he could hear the doctor put in a "You know Uhura and I had something to do with it too."

"....Thanks, Spock... for saving my life..."
 

Comments

[spohkh]

[Again, he saw that shooting star, burning brightly and almost trying to burn brighter than any other star out there..
...only to eventually burn out.

Spock wondered if Jim was ever subconsciously searching for someone... that one person that would stay.
But that made Spock think that.. what if he died before Jim did? He was illogical to think that Jim would remain single just because he was dead. He was a young, active man... Spock would hope that Jim could find love with someone else.]

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[He was trying to be bright, he was trying to find meaning and without meaning he simply had to outshine everyone else. He may have been searching for that special someone. Who knows. He certainly found him the hard way... the long... arduous... loving-from-afar-like-he's-dying-inside way.]}

The space jump wasn't difficult so much as it was surreal. Jim was just determined to make things work, he finally had an understanding of the situation, he knew he had to help the vulcans. He had to stop this Nero guy... and he had to free Enterprise from the drill. Everything until then was so chaotic and loud, everything so fast-paced. Jim liked it that way but it brought to stark comparison how quiet space was. The only sound was his own breathing. The only thing he saw was this red planet, streaked by white clouds. It looked so at peace from up here where there was no sound but air passing through his nose. The gravity of the planet was so strong, he felt like it could crush him, as an understated reference to the strength of the planet so too was it a reminder of its children.



But rather quickly they entered the atmosphere and sound was birthed once more. He heard air rushing around him, it got hot, it got blistering hot, Jim began panting. The drill was coming up fast. He and Sulu pulled their chutes... Olson died in hesitation. Jim flinched. He'd never see someone die before. It was his first crew-member he lost... they landed and he and Sulu fought the Romulans. He proved him wrong about that fencing thing. It was pretty badass...

The drill was shut down but something still shot down to the planet's surface. Jim comm'd Enterprise... then the drill began to shift. He grabbed a hold but Sulu was thrown off. Once more Jim leapt into the vulcan atmosphere, rocketing to the ground after Hikaru. His parachute blew as soon as Sulu touched it.

“Enterprise! We're falling without a cute! Beam us up!”

“I'm can't lock onto your signal, you're moving too fast!”

Jim and Sulu were twisting around so fast he didn't get great looks... but as they fell the ground looked increasingly turbulent. Black smoke was rising, red and gold lava was spewing, there was the sound of cracking and rumbling like an earthquake. He heard Chekov yelling, white streams of energy swirled around them. Jim got one last look... this planet, its golden stone, its natural beauty being wasted by sudden internal turmoil.

Lava sprayed out of the planet, great rock formations cracked and toppled like trees, Jim looked down and watched as the ground came hurtling towards them far too fast. Then suddenly they were on Enterprise. Surely he thought Spock was mad for going down there. Surely he thought that was a one way trip and to embark on it was merely cute, or something done out of obligation. Like Spock was going to be hanged if he didn't try to save the...whoever he was going after. But of course he made it. Mostly.

Jim hung around the transporter room out of anxiety. He had to know if he was going to be advanced to acting captain right? But he was nervous too. Nervous for Spock and nervous for his now-named mother and father. When he heard her scream for the last time... it cut through him. He looked to Spock, noting his vacant expression. The whole room watched as Vulcan disappeared into a singularity. Jim's heart just...fell.

[spohkh]

[Screaming... Spock heard a woman screaming as if in a never ending loop. It was the last thing he heard as the one person who made him who he was fell into the abyss of a planet collapsing in on itself. His hand was outstretched... grasping at air. Air that she once occupied.
He was too late..
...he failed.

She was gone.

His heart lurched as his mind registered the death of his mother. The familial bond snapped, and sorrow overwhelmed his senses. He wandered as if numb.
He remembered... moments... fragments. His report stating calmly that Vulcans were now an endangered species was done as if in a dream. He recalled Nyota attempting to comfort him...
....but he couldn't feel.

Couldn't see.... couldn't taste. He was dead. He wished he was dead. Why was she gone? Why couldn't he have been fast enough? Spock saw his father... sitting clamly on the biobed and he wanted nothing more than to strangle him as a wave of pure emotion swam through him. He didn't care that this emotion was hatred. He shouldn't be...
...he shouldn't be what? Human? The one human in his life that wanted him to be nothing more than he was was dead. Gone. No more.

With fingers that shook, a voice that could barely keep neutral... he sent the arrogant James Kirk off the ship. In hindsight this made him so sorrowful... why would he abandon his T'hy'la to the dangerous ice planet? But he couldn't explain himself, he was terribly compromised.

Spock argued with McCoy, kept his Vulcan mask securely in place.... and it was only broken when that brash, arrogant, infuriating human being found himself once more on the Enterprise. How..... HOW! Spock roared in anger as he fought tooth and nail against James Kirk. He wanted to maim, hurt... and wanted to make something, anything feel the way he felt now. His sadness and sorrow was bleeding out of him in waves as he pinned Jim to the console... choking the life out of him.
He wouldn't have stopped... if only for his father.]

I am so.... so sorry that happened Ashaya.... I did not mean...
[Spock's consciousness fluttered in shame.]

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[Jim soothes him, petting but saying nothing. He simply lets his memory roll. They went hand in hand...]}




When he found Spock it was with a great disbelief that he took him at his word. It was the mind-meld and the mention of Nero that got him to trust the geriatric. The mind meld... Jim had never encountered anything like it. Out of defense he flinched away from Spock's hand, but he wasn't discouraged. The elder melded them and Jim was dropped into an inky darkness where in seconds he understood years of information. This man was Spock, his First, he had outlived his entire crew, he was an ambassador now and served Romulus... but his planet of service had died in a sort of natural disaster. The story of what Jim saw is something his new mate already knows. What Jim means to impress is that feeling Jim got under the table in this meld. He wasn't even aware of it then, but Spock loved him. Spock yearned for him and Jim had never felt deserving of such admiration. That and the gut wrenching, spine stretching pain of losing his home planet, only to share this worst moment of his life, the culmination of his failure... with the incarnation of his only love. Only now does Jim understand the grief the elder Spock felt that day.

When the meld was over Jim had to step away, he was gasping for air, tears in his eyes.



“So you do feel...”

“Yes...”

They made their way to Scotty who... Spock knew. It seemed like destiny. Jim was happy to go with the flow. At least he wasn't being chased by ice monsters anymore.
But Spock's order... to emotionally compromise Spock. He didn't want to take it.

“So I have to... emotionally compromise you.... guys.”

“Jim... I just lost my planet.... I can tell you I am emotionally compromised. What you must do is get me to show it.”

Jim watched him intently as he was beamed out with Scotty. Then the water-pipe problem... well he fixed it so it didn't much matter. He and Scotty got apprehended by cupcake of all people. Jim forgot who he was for a few minutes, he had to try to remember that line he'd said years before. That jagoff remembered that? And held onto it for all this time? He only called him that because he was drunk.

Then he had to showdown with Spock. Jim... felt bad about it. He dreaded it honestly. He'd watched this man lose his planet and his mother. In his mind he was already saying “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.” but he didn't let himself slip out of character. He went right for what he knew would set Spock off. His mother... and he hated himself a little for it. He knew it was a low blow. He earned that vice grip around his neck, honestly he is a bit relieved he is being punished at least a little bit... but in the end he knows without Spock at the helm he can go after Nero and actually end this than watch as the Entire fleet gets hammered.

[spohkh]

[Spock was silent for a moment...
He knew most of the details surrounding Jim's adventure on Delta Vega... but seeing it all now it made more sense.
Still....Spock experienced a small amount of jealousy knowing the depth of the meld Jim had with the other Spock. That was his Jim.... not that Spock's.]

You did not deserve to be punished Ashaya... I would have killed us all if not for your interference.

[demon_prosecutor]

Well your dad came through for us. We're fine now. And I was treading thin ice.... and don't get jealous. I'm not into him that way. I'm into you. I'm very into you.... let me show you how much.]

_{[It was time for him to roll those out... the year's worth of memories of him pining for Spock. Of his heart slowly breaking as he watched his love love someone else.]}




Jim and Bones are drinking one night in Jim's quarters. Bones looks at Jim a bit critically, as if he were about to make a snarky comment.

“You had better make your peace with this, Jim or you're going to be in trouble."

"Make my peace with what exactly?"

"Spock."

".... your point being?"

"Stop being thick. You're in love with him."

"Wha-- I."

"No no, don't try the denial tactic, I've seen it clear as day on you. The whole crew can. You're mad for him."

"Bones..."

"I've seen you in flings, Jim. I thought Spock was just another one and granted I was eagerly anticipating watching you get thrown on your head when he rejected you but what I didn't expect was for you to suddenly get serious about someone. And dammit if you didn't get it bad for the stupidest choice in the world, the one man you can never have." Leonard drank, watching Jim over the rim of his glass, challenging him to concede defeat. Jim winced as his words struck a nerve as much a surprise to him as his friend.

“...sorry.” his words were strangely merciful as he set his glass down. Once in a while Bones could be sympathetic and gentle but only sparsely and for very short moments. One had to be inconsolably wounded through no fault of one's own to win this kind of treatment suffice to say Jim hadn't witnessed it until now.

“No it's... it's fine.”

“Like hell it's fine. I know that face. Here. Drink up.” he poured Jim a rather generous glass of Romulan Ale. Limply Jim lifted it to his mouth, sipping absently as he wondered quietly.

“Do you think he knows?”

“Spock? No. No way, he's too focused on Uhura, his Science Department, and keeping your ass out of trouble to notice that. Not to mention I don't think he exactly could. He's logical Jim and fortunately for you love isn't, he's blind to it.”

“Explain to me how exactly that's in my favor.”

“What do you think will happen if he finds out? You're going to ride off into the sunset together? I think at best everything will be awkward from here on out or more realistically you'll be minus one Commander.”

Jim flinched again. “You think he'd really quit?”

“I can't say that I'd know anything about what he'd actually do, Jim. It's just a logical response, even for a human. Fraternizing between ranks isn't smiled upon by the uppers and while Spock isn't above bending that rule, I think anyone might be a bit uncomfortable working intimately with a captain who was sporting a one-sided affair to remember for them.”

Jim had to agree. He wouldn't argue with Spock resigning if it was his wish, it only hurt his heart to think he might not have infinite opportunity to be near him. It was going to compromise his and Spock's working relationship at best and that was too high a price. Jim could envision Bones' grim future too clearly, it felt as though Spock might already be slipping away. He wouldn't be able to keep the lid on his feelings forever. Even if Spock never noticed, Uhura would and she'd have half an ounce of patience for him being into her boyfriend. He could imagine her cold looks and cutting remarks already. Even more horrifying he knew she could somehow wheedle Spock out of spending anything more than the necessary professional time with him whole onboard and Jim's heart hurt to think of it.
Bones spoke again, looking at Jim softly as if he knew what was in his mind.

“I'm worried about you too. About what this is going to do to you.”

“I'll be fine.”

“I doubt that, Jim. You've never been in love before and you're not even playing around here you're over the moon for him.”

“Bones stop--”

“I know that look Jim. I had that look too once. Bright eyed, bushy tailed, like I'd never seen the sky before, I know. I've been in your situation.”

“Oh and what did you do when you were in my situation, Bones?” he never asked about Jocelyn out of respect for Leonard but right now he wanted to rub in just how much privilege he had back then compared to Jim now. He at least had the right to announce his feelings. Bones wilted visibly as he answered half heartedly.

“I married her.”

“Well that sounds fucking nice!” he growled that more than he meant to. Bones flinched, looking reluctant and Jim felt a pang of regret. “I can't ever have that with Spock but I'll settle for being close to him. If he's happy....then that's enough for me.”

“Jim...”

“You don't think I can do it but watch me. I won't ruin what he has with Uhura. He's happy.” he slapped on a smile and for once Leonard didn't even look annoyed. He only looked pained and sad.

“Jim I worry about you. That kind of love, Jim...it'll eat you alive if you don't do something about it. You've got to bury the hatchet.”

“I don't know how.” stop loving Spock? Impossible. As much as he'd like to Jim knew this was one burden he was carrying forever. He normally was immune to feelings of love and partners rolled off him like water off a duck. Spock seemed to be his penance for how easy Jim had it until now. Perhaps this was his price, to suffer the weight of irredeemable love never to be wanted or returned.

[spohkh]

[Spock almost howled at Jim's utter loneliness. The fact that it was entirely his fault did not sit well.
The Vulcan couldn't believe he could have had an extra year with Jim... couldn't believe how painfully blind he was to his Captain's love. How could he not see that? It was there... all along. His T'hy'la was in reach and he could have had him.
But no...

...Spock had long ago given up on finding anyone who would love him for him.... let alone his T'hy'la. That kind of thing never happened to him. Ever.
How could he keep on hoping? He was... content with Uhura. He would have settled.
He's so glad he didn't. But considering what it took for Spock to realize...

....The space of Spock's consciousness shivered. He didn't want to go there. Didn't want to think about it. It was something that haunted his waking moments.

The glass....

Jim....]

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[He knows... he remembers... but not yet. They will talk about that and they'll be alright. Because it didn't end there. They're here. They're together. They are sitting on his bed and they're married and everything is fucking wonderful... He's got a lot of pain about the memories and he never blamed Spock... well he almost never blamed Spock. He just needs to let it out.]}





Jim couldn't help it when he dreamed of Spock. Honestly it was the one indulgence he forgave in himself as well as the one thing he anticipated regarding his First. Tonight Spock was at his side, playing their routine chess casting him glances that were far deeper than friendly warmongering. They'd been here before, sitting in this very room playing this very game a million times. It never got old and Jim had come to require these meetings to establish a routine amidst the class five rapids his job emulated. Spock never said anything about it but he faithfully made time for his captain and ensured they'd be undisturbed for the duration of their game. Pieces were captured and checks were made and escaped as the game wore on. Jim loved Spock as a partner because he was always a challenge and he was so willing to work with what he was given. Jim could throw anything at that vulcan and Spock would find a way to repurpose it and spit it back as a rather exacting counter-move on the board. He smirked as one of his knights was captured, happy despite the fact he was losing. Spock noticed and as he reached across the board for his rook he brushed his fingers gently against Jim's.

The captain closed his eyes and exhaled. When he looked up Spock was sitting up again, properly waiting for his next move. Yet there was a mischievous gleam in his eyes, admitting the intentional slip of his hand. Jim was far from fooled, and they engaged in several more almost-touches through the course of the game. This calmed him down, as Spock knew, and when the game was over though Jim lost he felt rejuvenated. His commander stood before him at his seat and held both hands out which Jim took. Spock pulled him from his chair and the two shared an intense gaze that evolved in seconds into a smolder and Jim knew it was an opportune moment. As he leaned in, he caught Spock closing his eyes. He nearly enjoyed the warmth of vulcan lips when his eyes opened to the darkness of his sleeping alcove.

In less than a second he was re-immeresed in reality with a sense of disappointment not unlike an anvil being dropped from a cliff. Bitter regret at not being able to restart the dream filled him. His only window into his greatest desire was not only a mere imagination of an impossible reality but it was out of his control and functioned on an erratic schedule. Sometimes he'd dream of Spock for a week and sometimes he'd go a month or more without seeing him at all. Having to settle for what little his dream gave him, Jim rolled over to attempt to milk the memory dry of love and emotional fulfillment. Or that was the plan at least until Jim felt someone in his bed with him. He jerked, bolting out from the sheets onto the floor.

His breath came in quick gasps as he watched his bed, seeing nothing stir for over a minute. Pulling the sheets back yielded nothing. But he could have sworn there was someone... he could promise he'd seen a head of black hair laying at his side... Jim's eyes widened as he realized his mistake and he quickly darted to his bathroom for a long cold shower in which he swore both to and at himself both that he was a damn idiot for living in this fantasy world and that he was never going to do this again. Once he stepped from the shower he stepped over to the mirror and stationed his hands in rigid grips against the sink as he stared at himself trying to intimidate any scrap of disloyalty out of himself.

“It's over. It was never real to begin with. You're not going to think about him any more. It's over!”

He stared into his own eyes, seeking some form of agreement or understanding, or more preferably some tangible evidence that his peaks and valleys of desire combined with crushing disappointment would come to an end. But he only began to feel silly talking to himself and staring like a buffoon. He left the bathroom and as he crossed the threshold immediately his mind wondered if he'd have another dream of Spock. Just for that he didn't bother going to bed, instead he sat up at his desk finishing his clerical duties. Perhaps Spock would be pleased with him or even a touch impressed that his captain finished this inane busywork without being strong armed. It was that thought that brought a groan from Jim. It never stopped! He didn't know how to stop it, it drove him mad! But somehow between now and shift start he'd find a way to bottle it up because this was his alone. Spock could never know.

[spohkh]

[Spock sighed... his want for Jim stretching across the bond. He wanted nothing more than to be real in that dream. To have actually been there...

....but who was he at that time to dream of a mate?

When Spock was a teenager, he used to leave the house in the middle of the night and wander through the mountains of Shi'khar. Sure it was dangerous... but he didn't care. He would lay and stare at the stars... dreaming.
He would dream much like Jim did... of the one person that he thought he could never have. That was just out of his grasp.
What would they look like? Who would they be? Would they be Vulcan?

...he hoped not.

Spock memorized the constellations wishing it was the face of his T'hy'la. It was an impossible dream. A T'hy'la has not been had for over a thousand years... who was he to think that he could ever find his? But... they were out there somewhere... out there among the stars.

And that's where he would be. He took the tests, and pleased the teachers... but he never believed for one moment that he belonged at the VSA.... he belonged out there... where his T'hy'la was.]

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[Jim's sour memory was quickly overturned by Spock's hopeful outlook. That's something he always loved about his mate. His endurance, the fact that he never stopped trying. He had more stamina than Jim in some ways. The best part was obviously that this fantasy had come true.]}

I should go back in time and find your younger self in the mountains and just make out with him. What do you think? You think it'd make him feel any better?

_{[His mind rippled with devilish humor]}

[spohkh]

[Spock stuttered and spluttered...

...and space blushed.]

I am sure that it would definitely be an improvement to that situation.

[demon_prosecutor]

_{[Jim laughed harder at Spock's reaction. How cute. He promises if he has the chance he will.]}

Oh I'll do you good beautiful... I bet you won't know what's happening. Oh man... I gotta do this now... for you. And also because I want to see your face when I do it. And... maaaybe to undermine your father.]




Spock was talking to him about the job they had at hand. They were crouched behind a locked door, about to unlock it via tricorder and burst out phasers blazing. It wasn't anything Jim expected to be risky or even very difficult but count on Spock to reiterate their dismal chances of survival in precise significant digits. In the silence before they were about to strike Jim reached to pat his shoulder though it was an aborted move. Spock didn't do touching and Jim suddenly reeled thinking of how close he came to touching fire. Spock turned his head.

“Captain, is something wrong? Your breathing rate has increased fifty seven percent.”

Bones was dead wrong. Spock was far from easy to hide his feelings from. This was impossible.

[spohkh]

[Spock had no idea though... ]

I must admit, that your attempts at hiding your feelings for me were successful. I had absolutely no idea.
Though I am wondering what would have happened if I was aware...

[Spock shook himself of those thoughts, he couldn't go there. The whole 'what if' thing was illogical.]

[demon_prosecutor]

I know... it might have ended up with you on the receiving end of an unwanted make-out session. I don't think I'd have been able to stop... Uhura would have murdered me.

_{[He LIVED there for a year in 'what if' land. He dreamed in it, stewed in it, bathed, ate, and slept in it. He knew that it sucked, the health care was shit, and the cost of living was through the roof. 'What is' is a much better neighborhood.]}





When the Gorn had boarded the Enterprise and he and Spock had to not only save the crew but navigate around their enemies... Jim felt alive. He was having fun, he was determined not to lose a crew member, he was on fire, playing around with Spock and cheering him on when they had enemy drones to destroy.

“Bullseye!” He was sure Spock almost smiled when he complimented him. He grinned, too pleased with himself for the situation. So of course the situation shifted, as was demanded by destiny or simply the inevitable outcome of having his ship boarded by sentient lizards intent on using the Vulcan's technology to dominate the world. Uhura had been translating their language, they weren't stupid. They took her hostage... used her as a translator to demand things from Jim. He didn't want to lose her but Spock... Spock just stalled.

“Do not harm her...”

“We'll get her back, Spock.”

“If anything happens to Lieutenant Uhura...”

Jim had to fight the urge to groan. This was heartless of him because if she really died Spock would be devastated. They all would. But... did he have to rub it in?




Jim's jealousy towards Uhura escalated. When Spock interacted with him, his inevitable restraint turned into discomfort. He came to avoid Spock if he can help it just to avoid the tension of pretending not to be hiding a huge elephant in the room.



This is the third time Jim has blown Spock off of their usual chess game. He's faked sickness or business and Spock's responsibilities at the lab certainly had its merits when his First wished to spend time with him. Until now his breaks with Spock were something Jim relished. He'd cherished each moment it was just him and Spock, or he'd settle for the moments that Uhura just wasn't around. He had to admit when she entered the room his mood dropped like a stone. A darkness crept over his mind and he found himself resentful of the woman he'd hit on years before. She was beautiful, pure, soulful, charming, talented, hard-working, even-tempered... everything Spock could want in a mate. She could even give him kids, she was bloody fucking perfect. Jim on the other hand was broken, scarred, abused, egotistical, selfish, narcissistic, flaky, rude, and just the right kind of a brute to put him at the bottom of the list of people Spock should consider dating.

He'd been alright with ignoring that before. He settled for just staying at Spock's side. Seeing him happy was enough for Jim... until it wasn't. He knew it wouldn't work, Jim was never the kind of person who could simply pass by a candy in a bakery window and resist the temptation. Of course it certainly was a recipe for aggravation and eventually resentment. He grew to hate having to hide his emotions, not that he honestly had to try that hard. Spock was rather dense about them. But he noticed certain anomalies. Heart rate, breathing, dazed expressions... Jim just couldn't be natural around Spock and it was costing him and thus, the ship. To compensate he was working almost non-stop on his paperwork to actually get ahead of it. There were days he was left waiting for reports or requests to come in, befuddling those who knew him as being careless and an “it'll get done when it's done” type. He was a model captain but he felt himself losing his spirit. Every time he looked his First in the eyes he died a little inside. His eyes were beautiful, they must be really nice to look into... for her. His body was hotter than a human's, Jim wondered what Spock's hands were like, or his lips. What were his dreams? Did he have any fears? Things only a lover would know... Jim imagined what they might be... and his heart chipped just a little more each time.

He sometimes even imagined him and Spock sharing their strange secrets together. As friends, maybe even brothers... though of course he couldn't be prevailed upon to keep any relationship with Spock in the friend zone if he could reasonably help it. He could barely be trusted around Spock right now as it was. He knew one of these days he'd just blurt it out and poor Spock would be left confused and unsure how to respond while his captain either blushed or fled the room. He used to have it so together... Was Bones really right all along? His love for Sock really was eating him alive. He felt consumed by it... the worst part was, he couldn't really even hate Spock for breaking his heart.

[spohkh]

[As Spock watched he remembered... Granted, he didn't know that Jim was in love with him, but he knew something was wrong.
All those times that Jim refused his company, he thought that Jim did, in fact, not want to be his friend.

So he stopped asking Jim for chess.

Nyota was his friend, he would protect her not matter what because he had precious few friends. The only people in this universe who knew him and wanted him around were gone. T'Mar... I-Chaya... his mother.
T'Mar... his first friend on Vulcan. She was from a lower class family, and she wasn't expected to follow strict Vulcan tradition at all times. Therefore, she didn't think he was a freak for showing emotion or having a human mother. ]

I am sorry Ashaya... I did not mean to cause you pain...

[done_in_3]

I know you didn't... I don't blame you. Mostly.

<sub>[He would always forgive Spock. He had no choice. He loved him too much...

But T'Mar was still alive. She was on New Vulcan. Jim and Spock saved her from the Gorn... though her father died at their hands. Jim still regretted it.

But Spock met her in school, right? Maybe she was just so good she got accepted to that school? Whatever. Didn't matter.]

[Jim's next memory is mostly visual....







He cant stand it. Spock is so fucking beautiful he's going to die.



He always found you beautiful, Spock.



He had a hard time not imagining him in various... situations. Positions... scenarios. Spock just shows up at his room one night and not a word is spoken. Jim understands he needs out of Nyota's control. He knows he is a perfect escape for the vulcan and they make passionate love in his cabin.



It went on and on... but Spock... he is the most beautiful thing in Jim's world. He'd seen a lot of pretty people but nothing so ethereal and lovely as Spock. Even other vulcans didn't hole a candle.</sub>

So sorry, completely forgot you were using the game as reference too. :p

[spohkh]

[Spock was quiet as he listened to Jim's pain filled desires.... How he wanted to fulfill them.
And he would, for the rest of his life he would make certain that Jim did not feel that way again. He would be attentive to Jim's needs...

The Vulcan sighed... caressing the bond... a small spark of desire flowing through him as he witnesses Jim's fantasies of him.]

Meh, it's not that important.

[done_in_3]

_{[They would fulfill all of them together. Jim had so many more now that Spock was actually his... he returned that desire, hoping to fan that spark into a flame... or...perhaps just put it on hold. He couldn't stop the influx of information from his memory...]}





He was seated comfortably at his desk, surrounded by padds and no less than two large thermoses of coffee. He was finishing reports and supply requests, his crew was eagerly relieved for their captain's sudden consistency with getting requisitions finished early. It was a fairly reliable system to keep his mind off Spock save for the occasional instance where he'd get his First on the brain and simply couldn't remain functional for work. Jim was hardly expecting this to be one of those moments and was oblivious of his mood shift. Denial was a more accurate term for the manner in which he simply didn't acknowledge his thoughts shifting towards his Commander. He wasn't here in his office or on his communicator, there was no reason to think of him. He was in the labs doing his own work. Surely running something mind boggling with their latest soil samples, in awe over the anaerobic bacteria or some diplococci or whatever he extracted from his samples. Certainly he'd be in the labs most of the day consumed by his work, eager to discover and forge the path for science. He must be happy when he's working there, whether he would label it as such or not... when he's done he probably eats with Uhura and carries on about his discovery while she's all too pleased to listen. Maybe he smiles when he goes on about that with her...

Jim continued with his work, setting that particular guilty distraction away. He read over his padd again only to find a few of the words obscured, warped and curled into spirals as they were read through drops of water. Jim stared a moment wondering where they came from when another one appeared on the padd with a small tapping noise. He blinked, his eyes were warm... Jim froze as he waited for another tear to fall as if that proof was necessary to admit he was crying. Slowly he ran through the gambit of surprise, alarm, and needing to pretend this wasn't happening. Why was he crying? He wasn't even sad.

When the tears didn't stop in ten minutes Jim gave himself a break from his work though it backfired. His mind only returned to Spock and what he must be doing right now. Certainly he wasn't crying over anything. He had nothing to cry over, he had his dream job, the love of his life, a relationship based on mutual trust and affection. When the tears didn't end in half an hour Jim sent out a ship-wide alert that he was not to be disturbed. Somehow that was an invitation to interested parties. Bones appeared at his door.

“Jim, open up it's me.”

“Go away, working.”

“Jim we need to talk.”

“Bones... not now.”

“That post wasn't about your work focus and we both know it... Jim. Let me in or I'm going to have to let myself in.”

Jim sighed as he knew Bones wouldn't leave him be but he realized he didn't have the energy to fight him off this time.

“You know the code. I'm not getting up.”

He didn't look up either as the doctor approached him.

“Jim.”

He was seated in the window seat near his sleeping alcove. He raised his knees up, folding his arms across his kneecaps and leaning his chin against his arms. Stars glittered outside but Jim was impoverished for focus to give them. He stared at the blackness, the frame of the window, anything to avoid conversing with Bones about the unspoken topic at hand.

“Jim look at me.”

He turned his head, looking Bones in the eyes. His own were puffy, red-rimmed, and still shining bright as if daring Leonard to take a jab at him. The doctor nodded once as if assessing damage while another tear rolled down Jim's cheek which he wiped away while averting eye contact from Leonard.

“They won't stop.”

“...What brought this on?”

“I don't know. Just happened.”

“What were you thinking about when it happened?”

“Don't ask dumb questions.”

Bones was silent a moment, nodding in response then dropping to sit on the floor near Jim. He began awkwardly but he started talking about his ex wife and how they met. Bones' voice was anxious and unnerved as he prattled through the ups and downs of romance and how painful it could be. He loved her like nothing else but he was hurt in the end, wishing he hadn't had this trip to begin with. To know true joy and love and have it taken away was far worse than ignorance.

“There's a billion songs about it I'm sure...”

“Love songs make it sound fun and exciting but I'm actually going crazy.” Jim was still shedding tears and wiped them away as he spoke.

“You'll come around Jim... just give it time.”

Jim just shook his head. “I won't, Bones... I wish I could make it stop... how did you?”

“....Drowned it in booze.”

“Yeah well that hasn't worked for me. I'll have to drink myself into a coma.”

“Just give it time.”

“Right, maybe watching them get married and have babies will help!”

Bones rolled his eyes “I just came to check on you, I'm not going to stay if you're just feeling sorry for yourself.”

“...don't... stay here?”

“You gonna stop whining?”

“...yeah. I'm done.”

Bones talked to him for hours while the pain numbed again. When he left Jim was able to smile though it didn't reach his eyes.

[spohkh]

Though I am regret that I made you so sorrowful Ashaya... I cannot help but think of how everything turned out in the end. Uhura may watch us as we produce children.

[Spock seemed very satisfied with this thought...and almost preened as befitting a proud Vulcan at expanding his house.

But Jim's emotions in that memory sparked a memory of his own... and it all made sense.

Ashaya, what you were feeling was a rejection of the T'hy'la bond. Perhaps in time I would have felt it too, and would have been drawn to you. But as you were, alone with no shielding to protect your mind.... my proximity with zero reciprocation would have severely effected you. I am sorry to have caused this grief.

I will make it up to you.

[A promise he couldn't wait to hold up to.]

This is the last one before I have the memories of STID

[done_in_3]

Maybe you would have... maybe if we'd had time...

<sub>[You know, if he hadn't died instead. But that was all in the past now. Jim felt a bit vindictive at the thought of having Spock's kids and making Uhura watch miserably... but he didn't want to really do that. He knew how awful that felt...

...But he can't wait to let Spock make it up to him either. This was going to be a great year together. And all the years afterward...]</sub>






Jim had another nightmare about Kodos. He sat up screaming in bed and couldn't catch his breath for nearly two minutes. He was trembling, stuck between wanting to run somewhere or curl up in a ball. Two weary choices that were aggressively ineffective at delivering comfort or clear thought. Jim put on some soft music, then read, then laid awake knowing he wouldn't sleep again that night. Command was lonely but he never knew it so acutely than in these moments. He was utterly alone his whole life and when it came time for him to reach out for comfort Jim had no one. He paced a bit around his cabin, knowing nothing would work. He was jumpy the rest of the night, any sound or so much as a pop as the windows or doors adjusted made Jim flinch. A puff of air hit his back, vaguely imitating someone grabbing him. Jim jumped around, eyes wide, heart racing... Of course nothing was there but he pressed himself against the nearest wall anyway. He can't keep doing this, he tells himself. Eventually he has to get over it. That happened a long time ago. He knows he needs someone to help him, someone who understood. His thoughts circled around Kodos for a while, then Tarsus, then Iowa... Starfleet... Enterprise..... Spock.... that damn... fucking beautiful... unachievable adonis. What would Spock say in response to Kodos and what had happened all those years ago? Would he be disgusted? Would he say...anything?

This was a stupid train of thought. Spock was never going to know, Jim had no business sharing that with him... He crawled into bed and laid awake, thinking.

He couldn't count how many nights he spent laying awake absolutely hating himself for loving not only an emotionless vulcan but a taken one. How stupid he was.... how hopelessly stupid... he had every woman in the world he could want and none of them meant a damn thing anymore. The only person he wanted was off romancing with the love of his life building a bright future together with her. It was harder to pretend he didn't really notice them. He had to practice looking casual or nonchalant around them. Several times he was sure Uhura was sending him predatory glances, silently telling him to back off but they were so sparse and subtle Jim wondered if he wasn't projecting things. After all, what did Uhura have to fear anyway? He wasn't a threat to her, nothing was. Spock only saw her... and that's fine. Jim feels hollow anytime they talk, he zones out when they mention each other, when he sees them at dinner alone he wants to rush over and flip the table. Spock has no fucking idea what he's going through... not that he'd care either.

Uhura is perfect for him. She's pure and clean and untouched. Jim is damaged goods... he'd only serve to defile Spock or anyone he wanted to be with for that matter. He had too many nightmarish atrocities in his past that still haunted him. He was too much... He was going to die alone and that's just the way it's going to be.

He berated himself, telling himself to stop whining and go to sleep. Kodos can't rule him forever. Enterprise doesn't care what his problem is. Aliens like the Gorn don't. Missions from Starfleet don't. And the Starfleet uppers would only love to use that as an excuse to revoke his rank. He had to eat his own bitterness and move on. And he could handle all of that if he didn't have to eat his broken heart too.

He wishes he were more like Spock and could dispel his own emotions so he didn't have to spend each day like he was dying inside.

<3

[spohkh]

[Spock closed his eyes and dreamed of a time when things were more....

...pleasant.

Spock was passionate about most things he put effort into. His experiments and equations were all done with a single minded focus that put many geniuses to shame. He enjoyed it... it defined him.
But there were times when he tired of it, because it was expected of him. He had a duty to his clan... his father to do well and join the VSA, but he didn't want to.
On the nights he stared up into the stars he composed. Every star was a note, and every constellation was a music staff that played out a symphony across the universe. Every moment at home that he could spare he would hide away in his room and play his Lyre.
Would his mate like to hear him play?

He thought of that often.

He wrote a song for the person that would one day be with him. It wasn't T'Pring... she didn't want anything to do with him. But who was out there that would want to share themselves with him? Someone he could trust and share himself in return? Who would he share his music with? He hoped they liked music too...

Spock's fingers would nimbly trail across the strings, the eerie tones resonating through the air, twirling together to create a hauntingly beautiful tune. His mother loved to hear him play... and it was the one thing that he could do for her that didn't garner his father's disapproval. Because he could always just say he was practicing... but he was really playing for her.]

[done_in_3]

<sub>[Jim was suddenly transfixed by the story. Spock wrote music? He wrote a song for.... him? He wanted to hear it so badly. He loved music. He loved to sing, he couldn't play an instrument but he could sing like no other and he'd love to with Spock...

He congratulated Spock for sneaking in playing his lyre under his father's radar. He is sure his mother enjoyed it... He wants to hear that song... all of it, not just the bits in Spock's memory.]</sub>

[spohkh]

I will play for you Ashaya.... I will play for you as much as you desire. And I would very much like to hear you sing.


Your voice is very pleasing to my senses.

[Spock's space hummed and shuddered in pleasure at the thought of hearing Jim sing again. He had such a beautiful voice. And he would love to have the opportunity to play with Jim as he sang.]

Happy 1400!

[done_in_3]

Well good... I like singing. I'm glad you like my voice...

We should do it together... when I'm feeling alright. We could do it all the time on Enterprise.

_{[Obviously he isn't anticipating their musical partnership being anything but perfect.]}

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[spohkh]

[Spock's pleasure consumed his entire space...]

Ashaya, nothing would please me more.