done_in_3 | K/S Hospital Scene bc Into Darkness was so K/S TASTIC

[Spock sits on the bed next to Jim, setting the tray on Jim's knees.]

I have not.

[The Vulcan tucks into his own food.... mischievously looking at Jim.]
Perhaps you would like for me to feed you?

Hm? _{[He already has a bite of it in his mouth. He looks a bit wide eyed at Spock but... well he kind of... pauses.

He can't have a lover feed him. Not after Kodos... but... well... he can try. If Spock wants that. Just don't get offended if he gags. Okay?]}

If you want...

[Spock regarded Jim for a moment...

Though he had meant it as kind of a joke, or even a romantic gesture....There was obviously something he had missed, but he wasn't going to press the issue. But there was one thing that was clear... Jim did not want to be fed.

Spock hummed as he ate another bite of food.]

I retract my offer. Perhaps that form of action is not for us.
Though I am certain there is something else that we can spend our time doing after we finish our food.

[Double Entendre? yup.]

_{[He's sorry. He knows he has hangups about stupid things that shouldn't bother him. He wishes he could let you explore ever romantic gesture... maybe when you two are bonded and you've seen that particular memory... you'll understand. But just thinking about it, makes Jim's mind darken a little. Just a hint of his darkness returns, he nods to Spock as he eats. Sure, he'll fuck you. Whatever you want... Only he knows this is getting derailed, he knows he's getting sucked into the darkness. He doesn't know how to get back out. He doesn't want this to evolve into the days-long darkness that it usually does. It's only started now, he can get out if he tried. God how does he distract himself? No, stop talking about sex Spock.]}

Yeah? That's... great. Sounds good.

[Spock puts down his fork... and places his plate on the bedside table.
Somehow, he's lost Jim. How? He doesn't quite know, but he does know that's it's related to whatever has caused that darkness in Jim.
Now is definitely not the time to talk about sex.

The Vulcan moves down the bed... propping his back on the wall as he puts Jim's feet in his lap.
Lifting his hands, he starts to methodically massage Jim's feet....humming quietly.

In the bond he sends an image of them on the Enterprise... their home. It was there that everyone respected and loved Jim for who he was...

...and he hoped that someday they could defeat that darkness together.]

_{[Well done, Spock. Jim is surprised that he responded so quickly, and how. But in a few minutes he is calm again, focusing on other things. He can finish his food, he can think about Spock, he can be free from the paralyzing despair and self-blame.

It isn't immediately evident but Spock has given Jim one of the most significant gifts of his life: a way to free himself from his darkness. Even if just for a little while. His life since Tarsus was chaos. The darkness came at random and left only when he drank or fucked it away. Sometimes not even then. He never had a way to make it stop, he was never in control of it.

This is the beginning of his healing, Spock.]}

[Spock continues to just be there... giving no indication of stopping or leaving. He is comfortable with Jim.
He is most at himself with Jim, and he doesn't see that changing anytime in the future.

The Vulcan continues to hum and massage Jim's feet as he finishes his meal.... the bond continues to portray significant moments of their career.... and general hopes for the future.

And no matter what happened... he would stay with Jim. Children? Grandchildren? Retiring? Bring it on. Life was an adventure when you had the person you loved next to you.]

_{[He can't put to words how grateful he is to have Spock with him. No one has ever... helped him with this. No one has ever been someone he wants to take on the world with but Spock. He agrees with every sentiment. His life can't be an adventure without Spock at his side.

When he finishes he hands Spock his plate and offers to return the sweet favor. Jim really is a kind hearted soul despite what people say about him.]}

[Spock gives Jim a small smile... and shifts around so that Jim can have his foot.
The Vulcan eats... Their silence is comfortable and warm as they both seem to enjoy the company in each other's minds.]

[He enjoyed having comfortable silence and love. He rubbed all the tight spots out of Spock's feet, finding soothing relief in the simple act of tending to his mate. When he was done he opened his mind to project.

he's thinking maybe he's ready to talk a little about his history with Kodos. And where his hangups come from. ]

[Spock finishes his food.... but then looks sharply at Jim. He opts to talk out loud.]

Are you certain Jim? I do not wish to 'rush' you by any means.

You can't rush me when you didn't ask.

But if you're going to have all my memories soon it seems only fair to give you some kind of heads up as to what's in there...

... and I think I'm ready to start talking about it. To you. It might... help me.

_{[If that's not too much for you to handle. He understands if it is, this isn't exactly easy or pleasant conversation and he doesn't know how he'll respond by trying... but he wants to try.]}

Edited 2013-08-16 04:35 (UTC)

[For you Jim, Spock will endure anything.]

[Spock shifts again so that he has once more placed Jim's legs over his lap...]

I... am here for you Ashaya. Whenever you are ready.

[The Vulcan waits... curious and apprehensive.]

_{[He nods, comforted already. He knows he can trust Spock and it's odd for him to think of that this early in a relationship but he just knew it. Spock didn't judge him and he wasn't trying to shove quick solutions down his throat as a means to silence him.

He knows this is going to be uncomfortable for them both but he's grateful to Spock for trying even if it fails.]}

There was this barn that I hid in when Kodos made the announcement and people started dying... the animals in it had been killed for meat. I was afraid they'd find me and kill me too because I didn't have parents with me on Tarsus.

He found me, and I didn't know who he was then, I thought he was just a generous stranger, probably just as scared as I was. He gave me some of his food and we just talked. He came back for days and I started to like him. He seemed so calm in spite of all the murder happening left and right. The district I was in was getting a sweep at the time, all the people he put on the death list were getting executed. I thought he was just a cool man, he was too tough to be outwardly bothered, you know?

_{[Jim chuckled]} It sounds so stupid now...

He asked me if I was alone or if my parents had been killed. And my stupid ass, I just told him I didn't have anyone planet-side. He liked me after that. I never even considered I was just prey to him. At first he just wanted to look at me. And that was weird but I thought it was a small price to pay since he was feeding me, then he wanted me to touch him. It was weirder, but still a small price to pay. I started thinking about what I wouldn't do for food then. Or just another human being...

Edited 2013-08-16 19:49 (UTC)

[Spock tries to picture it... to understand....
He sees Jim as a small boy, scared and alone. A wave of possessiveness streaks through the Vulcan, wanting nothing more than to protect that boy.

Spock rubs Jim's legs softly, encouraging him to continue. What could he say to that? Jim's lived through something so traumatic and terrifying... that no mere words of solace could ever give Jim comfort.

However, the one thing Spock could give him is the sense that he is not alone. Spock... well... he would stay. And he was willing to spend the rest of his life proving to Jim that he would not go anywhere.]

_{[He appreciates that Spock just listens. He took a breath, this wasn't as bad as he thought it would be.]}

It didn't start with any big show. He didn't even say anything when he... the first time he... _{[he didn't want to say the word, he doesn't like it. He just omits it and assumed Spock understands. It's in their bond anyway, what he is thinking.]}

I remember his hands were like ice. I didn't say anything, I didn't really understand what was happening. I... I'd tried so hard then to tell him what I thought he wanted to hear so he'd keep coming back. It's kind of a blur now. I don't remember it necessarily being humiliating the first time, only that it's the worst pain I've ever been in. I didn't cry but there were tears in my eyes, it hurt so bad you know? I remember... wanting to curl up and hide... I wanted to cry like a little kid. He grabbed my leg and pulled me down when I tried to move away. He said something like 'virgins have to do it twice'.

_{[Jim's mind is trembling a bit. It's starting to race.]}

He said he was doing me a favor. That I was watching people die so I was a man now, and he was showing me the parts I needed to know. I won't say I believed him or not, I didn't really understand. He left me a ton of food after that, so I thought maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

[Spock's hands stopped stroking as he took in Jim's words... he had to remind himself to continue breathing.

Gently, he wrapped his conscious around Jim's... giving it warmth and strength as Jim's mind fell into panic.
Slowly, the Vulcan began to move again.... his hands caressing Jim's legs in long, gentle strokes. Almost as if to remind Jim that there was indeed such thing as a gentle touch in this universe...

Still... the Vulcan remained silent. He wanted to make sure that Jim got it all out before he interrupted.]

Ah... I dunno the rest...

_{[He sighed, feeling a bit uncomfortable. But Spock started petting him again and as silly as that was it helped. He only worried that he'd be scarring Spock. If they weren't going to bond and be forced to swap memories he wouldn't be telling him this. For Spock's sake.]}

I found out who he was and confronted him about it. I recognized his voice after a while, someone had his sound byte about executing half the population playing and I knew his voice immediately. He made it sound like he was he victim somehow in making that choice... that was the first time he ever started using my lifeline against me. Make me verbally agree to what he wanted to do to me before he'd let me eat...

_{[He covered his face with both hands then, rubbing his forehead then dropping them back to his side with a sigh.]}

I remember saying how much my body hurt, I couldn't take it again. He said I could use my mouth and stupid me, I thought that wouldn't hurt quite so bad. That it would be easier to endure. I guess in a way it was... but there was nothing I could do to get around being too small. No matter what he did to me it always hurt. God that time I couldn't breath, he just.... he knocked the wind out of me, I couldn't catch my breath at all. I thought I was going to pass out. Hell maybe I did... I remember laying on the ground when he left just trying to see straight and wanting to throw up.

[Spock had to refrain from doing anything that would scare Jim, or stop him from talking. But knowing...knowing that that animal was still alive out there in the universe really really made Spock mad. He couldn't wait to get his hands around his neck, and watch the life leave his eyes.
Spock focused on Jim once more.... feeling the anguish through the bond.
Spock impressed that Jim need not worry about him... and to know that no matter what.... no matter what either of them has faced, they have each other. And nothing would make Spock not want to bond with Jim. Nothing.

Spock continued to stroke Jim's legs.... but he did at one point snake his hand up to Jim's, and lightly caress his fingers... just another added touch of love. He couldn't believe that Jim lived through this.... and yet, it was all so terribly and painfully real. It was a little daunting to know that he would see it all first hand when they bond in the next stage. He thought Jim to be very brave to tell him about this know... it took a lot of courage to speak about these types of horrors.]

_{[He needs that reinforcement, right now. He drinks it up... and he regrets that the rest of the story is going to be even worse than what he's already said. But those parts are the parts Spock needs to know above all else.]}

The next time... everything was going the same as ever, I was under him on the floor but he got mad, he started going on about me being ungrateful and demanded I eat right then. You know in the middle of a rape like that's... whatever. I got confused for about half a second and that was too long for him to wait. He grabbed this grape and he shoved it in my mouth. Like his whole fucking hand was in my mouth, Spock. He wouldn't take it out until I swallowed it. It's hard to swallow something when you have something else that big down your throat. But I did it, and I thought he was done but no, he just kept shoving things in me. And they hurt going down, I didn't even get to chew them. I mean can you imagine swallowing an orange slice whole? I thought they were going to tear my esophagus. Then he started and he's inside and that agony all over again. I couldn't breath, I could barely swallow, I felt like I was going to die.

I kept thinking "He'll be done in a second, this is the last one." but he kept doing it the whole time he was with me. I almost threw up on him... I don't know how many times. I remember yelling in my head "get out of me!" but I couldn't say that... I knew I needed him.

Edited 2013-08-18 02:59 (UTC)

[Spock did freeze that time...

That...

.....That's why Jim didn't want to be fed. Spock almost moaned with sorrow.]

Ashaya, I am so sorry.

[The apology was heartfelt... Granted, he didn't know. But that didn't make it any less painful. The absolute horror... The Vulcan swallowed, not even being able to imagine what that must have felt like... Spock managed not to shudder.

Jim had truly experienced hell.]

_{[He forgave Spock. He knows his love was only meaning it kindly.]}

It's not your fault... it's not really mine either... One more. And then it's over... I'm sorry you have to hear this...

_{[He took a steadying breath, closed his eyes, then began softly almost as if he were reciting it. Or as if he had to focus to remember the details. All of them rushed together in a hastened need to be smudged into oblivion.]}

The next time he came I... I had hidden in a pile of hay. It was the only place I could lay without pain. He found me and dragged me out into the middle of the barn. He didn't have anything with him and I thought maybe he wasn't going to do a trade-off this time.

_{He shook his head unconsciously}

That was the only time... he ever tied me up. I tried to get away from him and he tied my hands together over my head and tied me to a support beam in the barn. When I was trying to get away I smacked him kind of on accident. I thought maybe that was punishment for it but I started screaming and he started hitting me. And that's the way that whole thing played out. He hit me... the whole time. I was bleeding from everywhere, my nose, my mouth... And he made use of both ends of me too. I thought it had to be over soon. I kept thinking "This is about how long it took last time, he'll be done soon." and I thought that over and over... I started whining so he covered my mouth with some tape or something when he wasn't 'using' it.

I think I blacked out at some point, but when I woke up I thought it had only been a few seconds since he was still over me.

I remember when it was over and he untied me I didn't even have the strength to run. I couldn't even move my arms or legs. He grabbed me and slammed my head on the ground, he kicked me in my ribs a couple times, I spat blood up and he sort of stopped after that. He said something about 'I should do what he says and we won't have problems' or some shit... I left the barn then. I'd stayed in there to avoid getting caught and killed but as soon as I could get up I fled.

It was dusk outside... I remember he had come to me around noon. I hid in this car that was all broken, ripped up and I crawled inside... I slept in there and no one thought to look for me, not even him. I did the math, I knew how to tell the time from the position of the sun and my fingers. It had been something like five hours.

_{[He feels a little sick inside, his face is pale just talking about that one.]}

[Spock did shudder at that point....
He had stopped stroking Jim's legs. What could he say? What could he do? He knows that Jim has dealt with this for man years, but still.... couldn't he do something?

The Vulcan finally managed to croak out a question.]

What... what happened after that?

[Did Kodos find him again? Was that when the starfleet ships finally came? Did he get away?
Spock's mind was reeling with questions and feelings he couldn't define. His hands lay hot and heavy on Jim's legs... immobile as his eyes shifted over Jim's form.]

...After that the reinforcements came. People were everywhere. I woke up to people cutting the door off the car I hid in. That hole I crawled into wasn't big enough for an adult. They pulled me out... brought me to a doctor. She could tell what had happened. She was really nice... I remember thinking it was crazy how nice she was to me because I knew she was swamped with people. Even the reinforcements weren't enough to handle the wounded, sick, and starving. She should have been impatient but she was really great. The people who were the worst off were fed intravenously and the rest were given solid food. They put me on an IV, I'd lost something like 30 pounds. The doctor asked who did this to me and I told her. Would it make me feel better if I knew Kodos had been killed, she said. Sure, I said.

They'd found him and killed him in the capital building apparently, all they found was a charred corpse. I felt a bit better, I suppose. I asked her if she had to make a report anyway since he was dead. She said she didn't have to but she should. I said I didn't want to remember it any more than I had to.

She made me promise I was going to get help when I went home. She gave me her number and some book titles to help me. She couldn't really follow up with me, I didn't have my I.D. anymore and I wasn't going to tell her what awas on it. There was so much going on I did my best to disappear into the chaos... I wanted to leave everything behind on Tarsus.

I came home, Mom wanted to put me in therapy but I didn't want to talk about it and she didn't know about me and Kodos. I thought I could bury it.

...

_{[Gently he withdraws his legs from Spock's lap, and turns around, laying his head there instead.]}

I had nightmares for years. I still do sometimes.

Edited 2013-08-19 23:05 (UTC)

[Spock was silent for a long time.... but he wasn't still. He ran his long fingers through Jim's wheat-gold hair, massaging the scalp.
What could he say? He wasn't going to be one of those would-be counselors and tell Jim that it wasn't his fault, that he was brave....that he shouldn't feel shame for what he did to survive... or anything that he should or shouldn't do.
Jim was a survivor... and he had dealt with this alone.

Granted, dealing with such a catastrophic event alone probably wasn't the wisest decision in the world... however, who could Jim go to that he could relate with? There was no one.
And now, miracles of all miracles, Jim was willing to share his mind with him. And perhaps everything depended on how he responded...

Running his hands along Jim's temples, the Vulcan made eye contact with those beautiful blue orbs and finally opened his mouth.]

Thank you.

[The bond opened up, stronger than it's ever been and Spock showered his love upon his mate. He accepted Jim for all his faults and would never think differently of him. He admired Jim for trusting Spock with such traumatic memories.... Spock's love was warm.]

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