done_in_3 | K/S Hospital Scene bc Into Darkness was so K/S TASTIC

I'll say. She surprised me in the shuttle that day. I was going to talk to you about it... but I never got the chance...

He doesn't remember leaving Pike's office or changing clothes or anything other than he was suddenly at a bar with at least two whiskeys down his gullet. He is in the high of feeling sorry for himself when he catches the eyes of a rather lovely girl at his right. He no more than had his mouth open to speak that Pike appeared and sat between him and the woman, blocking his view. Jim groaned.

“The first time I found you was in a dive like this.”

“...”

“You got your ass handed to you.”

“No I didn't.”

“It was an epic beating.”

“No it wasn't.”

“You had napkins hanging out your nose.”

Jim chuckled “Yeah, that was a good fight.”

“Good fight? I think that's the problem right there.... They gave the Enterprise back to me.”

“Congratulations. Better watch out for that First Officer though.”

“Spock won't be my first.”

“What?”

“He's getting transferred to U.S.S. Bradbury. You're going to be my first officer.”

“...What but... how?”

“I had a talk with Admiral Marcus.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That I believe in you. That if anybody deserves a second chance it's Jim Kirk.”

Jim paused, unblinking at Pike, mouth open. Words weren't happening though.

“I... I don't know what to say.”

“That is a first.” he smiled. “It's going to be okay, son.”

It was the first time anyone ever went to bat for him. He was blown away, unable to process the emotions. Quickly though, Pike's communicator went off and they were on their way to HQ.

“The truth is... I'm going to miss you.” Jim forced a smile, maybe the last one he'd ever give Spock. He tried not to think about it. Never seeing him again... maybe Spock might admit even being his friend. Or something. Jim would settle for 'you no longer annoy me as you once did, Jim'. But Spock just stood there wordlessly. Jim groaned and rolled his eyes. Goddammit why did Spock have to be so hopeless sometimes!?

The meeting went on, Jim said his peace. Khan appeared. Almost as Jim was finishing his thought and realized they were in a trap... said trap was triggered. He acted on instinct then, standing before the window, his silhouette framed in the red lights of a ship about to fire. He got “clear the room!” out before the glass shattered and people dropped. Jim hit the floor... and crawled to the adjacent wing at the ship's side. He shot the window open, then made use of an emergency hose. Tying it to the phaser rifle he threw it into the ship's engine and took it down... but not before seeing Khan's face, his smirk, and his escape via a trans-warp beaming device. The ship crashed... and Jim had to find Spock. He had to know that he was okay. And he was... but Pike... his father... Jim knew he was dead the moment he saw him but he had to try to find a pulse. He had to confirm it twice before he'd believe it...

He could say that he didn't mind Spock seeing him cry, but he didn't think about it. For once he wasn't thinking about Spock. He lost his father....again. He wasn't ready, he still needed him to show him how to be a person! A captain! He didn't try to stop the tears... only let them fall, then laid a single hand on Spock before he walked away towards the damaged ship. He grew numb, objective... he wouldn't sleep that night.

[Spock shuddered as he remembered that fateful day.

From his position, the Vulcan did everything he could as all around him his fellow officers fell... as well as Christopher Pike.
Crawling to his position, Spock could see that there was no hope for his faculty adviser.

He was in pain.... and his eyes, they were fearful as they locked on to Spock's. Wanting to ease his passing, the Vulcan joined his mind with Pike's... and instantly he was assaulted with emotions that he did not want to feel.
Pain, fear, loneliness, regret, sorrow, anger... all of these feelings were jumbled together in a chaotic heap as Christopher realized he was about to die. He did not wish to die...
...and Spock was going to kill him faster.

Spock compelled Pile to sleep... to give in.... to cease fighting because there was no hope. He projected peace...and eased his pain.
With one last, death rattling breath... Christopher Pike died, and there was nothing he could do to save him.]

_{[Jim watched... his mind shifted and the sun grew darker. He couldn't respond and said nothing as his end of the bond communicated for him. It felt twisted and knotted as though Jim felt a need to cry. It was still raw for him... only a couple weeks old. Watching his dad die, even though he understands Spock did him a kindness.... he still wanted to sob like he did that night.]}

I grieve with thee Ashaya....

[Spock didn't know what else to say. He couldn't stop the memory from emerging as it was still fresh in his mind as well. He was still processing the emotions that he felt from that encounter.... to say it was difficult was an understatement.]

He loved you Jim. It was all there, in his head. His faith in you was justified.

I know..... I know.

_{[He laid with Spock in their minds for a while, saying nothing as he calmed down and slowly he soothed himself. When he was calm again he showed Spock a happier memory, if a bit grim as to when it occurred.]}

Spock tells Jim to take Khan in alive, fine. And Jim didn't want to adhere to it because the bastard murdered Pike. He was adamant to refuse Spock's suggestion but mid-way through his ship-wide transmission... he knew Spock was right. To kill John Harrison was to become the same as him. Spock was poised in his seat as Jim changed their mission to taking Khan in alive. But his eyes showed he was pleased with the chain of events. Spock is noble, moreso than Jim. Then he's like practically praising him for his choice. Jim looks at that half smile, he melts inside, he wants to hold onto that, he feels alive when Spock looks at him that way. He'll do whatever Spock wants... Spock has no idea how compromised his captain really is.

Edited 2013-08-25 04:45 (UTC)

[Compromised... if only the brass only knew how compromised they were, they would have never seen command.

There were times during meditation where Spock was no longer lying to himself, where he actually saw that what he was was a ticking time bomb. All of his peers on Vulcan expected him to fail, all his peers on Earth expected him to be perfect.

There would be no error, ever. He would not allow it. To fail, to lose others was to be compromised. But the emotional imbalance was always seen as a defect, a piece of his human heritage that made his Vulcan half weaker.

He waited... waited for the day that he would only be known as 'Spock'. Not the defect, not the freak, not the perfectionist, emotionless pointy-eared bastard... the Vulcan without a heart. Or the Vulcan with too much heart... Just, Spock.]

_{[Well the King Brass was dead and the rest were squirrling around like idiots trying to rebuild Starfleet. They may have sent Enterprise as far away from Earth as possible for security reasons just to preserve their few good officers.

... And silly Spock. He wasn't anything with Jim but himself. He does note that they dodged a bullet. Spock would have been a tough one to stop if he had a nervous episode...Jim cringed a bit at the thought of that.

Spock is only himself around Jim. He's just Spock. And whoever Spock wants to be is fine with him.]}

It is as if I am discovering who I am while I am around you.
It has been such a limited time since we have been together.... but I feel as though I have learned so much about you and I.... the both of us together.

It is most satisfying.

[And indeed, Spock feels content with Jim. More content than he's ever been in his entire life.
His very essence is calmed in the presence of his T'hy'la.]

I think I'm in the same boat... I'm glad I can learn all this with you...

_{[He wants Spock to be comfortable. With anything. Jim likes this hub they share together, they can bring anything back here and handle it just between themselves. Grief, drama, joy, sorrow, anger...]}

[So much to learn... and hopefully all the time in the world to learn it in. He wanted nothing more than to delve into Jim Kirk and get to know him inside and out.

And at the same time.... himself. He was experiencing a freedom that he never had before. And yet, every now and again, he felt as though he was doing something wrong in expressing himself emotionally... that he is somehow disrespecting his Vulcan ancestry.]

_{[Aren't the rules just made up things? Even the cultural ones? And isn't Spock's struggle with them... causing him great distress and taking away from not only his satisfaction of life but his productivity too? Wouldn't that in turn make his struggle an illogcal one? He is trying so hard to adhere to rules that don't fit him. He exists in two worlds, he needs to obey the rules of each world that fit him. The rules... don't necessarily apply to Spock. He's a round peg being shoved in a square hole.]}

[Spock held his tongue as he was about to point out that he fits into Jim quite well...

....too late, he's already thinking it.]

_{[That is a great point... why not make it repeatedly just to drive it home?]}

[Spock's joy filled the space as he nearly laughed at Jim's reaction to his 'joke'. If it is at all possible, Spock seems to love him more now than he did before.]

_{[Jim is a bit disappointed that Spock doesn't actually take him up on his little offer... but in time. They'd have to fuck eventually. He loved his mate even more, enjoying his joke thoroughly. His mind chuckled for minutes afterward.]}

[They would in time... there was no need to rush. But first, the bond was almost complete... and Spock encourages Jim to continue.

He know where they are going though...there's not much left after all and all the memories have been climbing to this moment.

A small shiver of nervousness travels through the space.]

_{[Right.... this one. This one moment... Jim knew Spock was going to be hurt by watching this... but... he reassured his love that he was right here. Alive and very willing to comfort him after this was over...]}

He knew from the moment Scotty explained the power failure to him that he was going to die. Saving the ship would take his life and he was willing to accept that or rather, he already did by default. He didn't give himself the time to get upset, he had to act. His main concern while he was inside the chamber was getting the sensors realigned, he thought of nothing else even as his skin puckered and started to sweat, his eyesight became blurry, he grew dizzy, and his head started throbbing. He knew he was dying but he had to power this ship and keep casualties to just himself. His crew... his family... he loved them all. Every one of them. They weren't allowed to die if he had any say in it. He'd die a thousand times over before they would. It was strangely freeing to suddenly be able to throw everything into one task. He hung from the upper sensor as he kicked he lower one into place, not caring if he pulled a muscle or broke a bone, there was nothing to save his energy for other than the crawl back to the entrance of the chamber. And that was only a service to whoever would have to collect his irradiated corpse.

But the sensor slammed into place, the power re-ignited and Jim found himself on the floor of the chamber, crawling back to the entrance. Everything was a blurry mess then, he couldn't see where exactly he was going but he felt along the narrow channel to the brightly lit door. He could hear Scotty yelling, then running to call to the bridge. Jim's body felt so heavy, he dragged himself across the floor to the glass pane that separated him from a healthy natural life. Each limb grew stiffer and weaker, straining with each push that seemed to get him less and less distance. By the time he reached the door he was straining to gain even an inch of distance, his body felt as though it were powering an engine. Exhausted, he laid against the cool glass, listening as Scotty went on a grief stricken tangent and footsteps approached. He had to do one more thing... close that chamber door behind him. It would be easier on the retrieval crew to decontaminate the smaller antechamber he was in. The door hissed as it shut, Jim opened his eyes, and there was Spock. Jim felt a wave of energy jolt through him, he almost smiled. The universe was paying him one last kindness letting Spock be the last person he saw. He already felt better... and worse.

“How's the ship?” he knew how weak he sounded. He tried to speak with more authority but all he could muster was a pathetic whisper, Spock didn't seem bothered by it or if he was he didn't let it show which Jim appreciated.

“Out of danger.” Spock's voice... he wanted to cherish each syllable.

“Good.” he barely croaked it out.

“You saved the crew.” normally Spock was above announcing something so obvious but perhaps he wanted his captain to know his sacrifice was a complete success which he again appreciated. Or perhaps Spock recognized that Jim might be suffering cognitive impairment and required the reiteration.

“You used what he wanted against him...” Jim nodded slightly as he rested his head against the door frame, no longer able to hold it up himself. He was proud of Spock, he did something risky and out of his comfort zone. But he saved their ship and thousands, nay, billions of lives. Jim was so pleased with him he could sing but all he said was “that's a nice move.”

“It is what you would have done.”

“And this... this is what you would have done. It was only logical.” Spock's gaze fell at those words... but he prefers their roles be switched. To have Spock die on him would be...too much. For Uhura and himself, he would have wanted to die too. Speaking of, his body was starting to feel strange. Like things were... shutting off. He was losing feeling in his extremities and panic was setting in as a result. He knew he should put on a tough face but he was afraid, he wanted to cry, it couldn't be over just yet. He had so many things to do, so many dreams to fulfill.

“I'm scared Spock. Help me not be.” his love was so stoic, so fucking beautiful Jim could hardly stand it. And yet as he spoke he saw Spock's brows furrow and his jaw clench. Was he fighting off some emotional reaction to this?

“How do you choose not to feel?” it was something he couldn't fathom, how could Spock have simply willed this exact fear of death away when he was in the volcano? How could anyone simply bury this sea of emotion that Jim himself was drowning in? Fear and hopelessness were dominating him and setting up a small encampment within him for the remainder of his considerably shortened life. There was little he could do but face fear, loneliness, and dread by himself. He was going to die alone. Even though Spock was an interminable emotional partner, he wanted someone to hold his hand.

“I do not know...” an interesting answer made only more perplexing when Spock's voice cracked and tears were visible in his eyes. “Right now I am failing.”

Did... Did Spock care? Even a little bit? Jim's heart skipped a little at the idea, even though it was a stupid one. He had one more secret he held, one he didn't want to die with if he didn't have to. His eyes rose to Spock's, filled with a glimmer of hope, that perhaps one last testament could be given before the bitter end.

“I want you to know why I couldn't let you die. Why I went back for you.”

“Because you are my friend.” Spock's tear made a tapping sound on the floor and Jim paused, trying not to feel as though he'd been slapped in the face, or more accurately the heart.

Spock didn't see him that way. He could take rejection, he'd expected that response all this time. He closed his eyes, nodding. Whatever Spock preferred to see him as he would die as, whatever made him most comfortable. He did want Spock to live a happy fulfilled life and he wanted him to know that. His body was growing weak but he raised his arm one last time, pressing his hand to the glass. Spock gave him his classic farewell, the 'live long and prosper' which was grimly ironic here but Jim took it as a sign of well-wishing. He spread his fingers apart too, watching to make sure he got them aligned right.

They were numb by this point, he couldn't tell where they were. He smiled a bit at their shared moment... and he felt it coming. The end. He looked to Spock... and suddenly there was a great desire to say everything, to put into the world every thought he had. He wanted to tell Spock he loved him, but the words wouldn't come. He couldn't speak... he took Spock in one last time, suddenly feeling great misery that his feelings would die with him.... then he felt it... his body ran out of energy. He couldn't speak, he couldn't breath nor did he need to. His eyes relaxed... his whole body relaxed... and Jim let go. There was a bright light surrounding him and he went towards it... it was easier than he had thought it would be.

[No.... no no no no nonononono. Something was breaking inside of Spock even as he couldn't admit it out loud.
Friend? FRIEND? Why did he say that? That was true wasn't it?
No... it wasn't.

Spock lifted his hand, saw as Jim reciprocated the action... then die. The moment he died that something inside of him snapped. Jim.... Jim was his....
his....

....his T'hy'la. The one being in the universe that could complete him, and the bond that they shared, though it went unnoticed by Spock for so long, was gone. He could see it.... the dead ends of the once glorious golden thread was no more.
His heart and his mind felt as though it was searing in pain and he wanted to scream in agony.

He did...

His grief and pain poured out into the one word that brought him such loathing... Khan was going to die by his hands. He was going to make sure of it.
Uhura's well wishes went unnoticed as he walked with determination to the transporter padd...

All he could think of was killing Khan for ruining the one chance he had to be with the person he was meant to be with. Jim loved him... that's what he was going to say.
He missed his chance. Gone. Forever...

...The rest is history. The memory fades as the last scene shows Spock waiting beside Jim's biobed for almost the entirety of the two weeks he was out.]

_{[Jim shuddered at the pain Spock endured... and he tried his best to soothe him even as the memory was running its course. Jim had seen all of that. Spock's scream, his visible anger while on the bridge, the whole crew was too intimidated to talk him down. Even Sulu backed down from him just saying "...Right."

He is glad Spock stopped. Not just because he needed Khan's blood to live but... he is glad Spock didn't compromise himself and stoop to murder. He would have felt satisfied then for a while... but Jim is sure it would have eaten away at him later.

When the memory is over, Jim reaches out into space, he wants to hold Spock. As hard as that was to hold the fabric of their entire star system here... he wants to drive it home that he is alive and that nightmare is over. ]}

[Spock shuddered in his space and meets Jim half-way.
The bond around them sings as they unite together in this universe filled with their shared consciousnesses. It's truly a beautiful sight.

Spock pours everything he is into Jim, everything he feels for the frustratingly beautiful human.
In the physical world, Spock locks his lips over Jim's.... adding to the warmth that they are currently sharing.]

Parted from me and never parted, never and always touching and touched....

_{[Jim is overwhelmed by things he doesn't understand but they bring joy and fulfillment to him. Spock seems to be in control so he feels little need to interrogate. The bond was getting stronger, their universe was enriching itself with them, Spock was kissing him...then those words. He didn't get them but it didn't matter either. He just nodded and let this ride take its course.

When it's over he wants to take the training wheels off and see what his mind is like without Spock's hand on his face. And then.... he wants to fuck his husband.]}

[Spock hesitates only for a moment... the unknown outside of the meld giving him slight cause for worry on Jim's behalf.

Breathing, he gently let's his hand drop from Jim's face... and finally opens his eyes to look at his mate. It has felt like such a long time since they entered the meld... but the reality it's been barely and hour.]

Jim... how do you feel?

_{[As soon as Spock's hand left him Jim felt like an avalanche started in his mind. Everything was so clear and concise, he had this tangible gold tread that connected him to Spock... but this...static swept in. He knew he was getting overwhelmed, he was aware as certain insiginifcant facts were disappearing from him, his ability to recall was disappearing... and then it all went to fast. Everything was buried under the proverbial snow. His memories, his thoughts, his ability to focus on anything... he was if encased in ice meters beneath the surface... but he had that thread in his hands. Now his only lifeline... Jim...groaned and softly laid back on the bed.]}

[Concern took over Spock's features as he leaned over his mate... his fingers lightly skimming over his face.]

Jim.... Ashaya, are you in pain?

[Too soon, they did this too soon. Jim should have been completely well before they did this...

...but would that have made any difference? Spock sighed...Ka'adith.
Of course, it was illogical to wish for something that could not be. The Vulcan stroked his fingers soothingly across Jim's face, his mind prodding at the bond.]

Edited 2013-08-26 17:49 (UTC)

_{[Jim leaned into the fingers, breathing softly. As soon as Spock touched him it was as if someone had dug a hole through the snow to him and he could see daylight.]}

No... it doesn't hurt I just... can't think. Don't take your hand away. It's easier...easier this way.

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