[This might seem a bit out of character to Spock, but any underlying resentment for his bedridden position seemed to disappear at the vulcan's words.
Jim went on a little trip too, remembering the pain he lived with every day on Enterprise before he died. He remembered yearning for a life with Spock, knowing he'd never have it. He was swept into despair when he imagined serving the rest of his days on a ship watching the man he loved love someone else never noticing he existed. His mind would craft the most idealistic dreams of him and Spock together that would wrench his heart, bringing his desire to the forefront. He'd wake up thinking he'd do anything for a life with Spock, no sacrifice was too small back then.
And yet here he was, he had what he wanted through no small miracle and he was so close to throwing it all away. Spock wasn't being overly demanding in his wording but this was practically begging for a vulcan. Jim was filled with reproach. What was he doing? To lay here and heal for Spock was the tiniest of sacrifices. One he would have gladly done with no questions asked before he died. What was he thinking? He had just gone to autopilot when he was leaving to fight, he wasn't in control, he didn't even think about the repercussions on himself in the long term... Quite suddenly the solution was evident, his old life felt like a heavy old coat he longed to shrug off where Spock was a bright sunny day and a gentle breeze. Jim knew he had to abandon his unhealthy habits but... he didn't know how. He didn't know if he even could.
He looked to Spock's hand on his arm and then into his eyes, apologetic and uncharacteristically vulnerable.]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2013-08-12 02:20 am (UTC)[This might seem a bit out of character to Spock, but any underlying resentment for his bedridden position seemed to disappear at the vulcan's words.
Jim went on a little trip too, remembering the pain he lived with every day on Enterprise before he died. He remembered yearning for a life with Spock, knowing he'd never have it. He was swept into despair when he imagined serving the rest of his days on a ship watching the man he loved love someone else never noticing he existed. His mind would craft the most idealistic dreams of him and Spock together that would wrench his heart, bringing his desire to the forefront. He'd wake up thinking he'd do anything for a life with Spock, no sacrifice was too small back then.
And yet here he was, he had what he wanted through no small miracle and he was so close to throwing it all away. Spock wasn't being overly demanding in his wording but this was practically begging for a vulcan. Jim was filled with reproach. What was he doing? To lay here and heal for Spock was the tiniest of sacrifices. One he would have gladly done with no questions asked before he died. What was he thinking? He had just gone to autopilot when he was leaving to fight, he wasn't in control, he didn't even think about the repercussions on himself in the long term... Quite suddenly the solution was evident, his old life felt like a heavy old coat he longed to shrug off where Spock was a bright sunny day and a gentle breeze. Jim knew he had to abandon his unhealthy habits but... he didn't know how. He didn't know if he even could.
He looked to Spock's hand on his arm and then into his eyes, apologetic and uncharacteristically vulnerable.]
...Spock I...
... I'm sorry.
I'll stay here. I won't push myself.